Machinations of the Shadow Queen
by Xirema
Summary: After a failed assassination attempt on the now-23-year-old-lawyer Haruhi, she becomes embroiled in an extremely bizarre plot to end the world. Haruhi and a wide-spanning cast of characters now seek to uncover the truth: Who is the Shadow Queen?
1. A Completely Serious and Dramatic Story

A letter from the Author:

Having no prior experience in these sorts of shenanigans, I'm going to assume that my story here has been told a thousand times, in one form or another, by various writers for this website and many others, using similar but not identical characters/characterizations to the ones I've chosen, and using similar but not identical plot devices. I assume there have been a thousand stories using my exact premise, written at various points in the past, by rationales far nobler than my own. I assume there have been a thousand stories told using these conventions, told by writers far more talented than myself.

This is going to be the thousand-and-first telling.

Why?

Screw you, that's why.

Sincerely,

Xirema the Untalented

* * *

><p>Haruhi Fujioka, 23 years old, rolled over in bed to reach the alarm clock, whose incessant screeching was now threatening to steal the sanity she'd worked so hard to establish in her life. This maneuver was made all the more difficult by Tamaki, who had managed to somehow wrap himself around her overnight, and Antoinette, who was curled above the covers atop the both of them, still asleep and occasionally making soft growling noises.<p>

Managing to get a firm grasp upon the infernal device, Haruhi silenced it and began to wriggle herself out of Tamaki's grasp. Unable to process any thought more complex than 'Walk', 'Shower', 'Dress', she made her way for the bathroom, shrugging her nightgown before entering.

The shower offered a brief opportunity to wake up and consider her current lot in life. She ought to be considerably more excited. Today would be her first day working for the Prefecture Law Firm. This was, quite literally, what she'd spent the last eight years of her life preparing for. And though the desire to bear children had begun to fester within her, it was little more than a hope for the future at this point, as she knew better than to attempt to raise a child without a considerable nest-egg of savings built up to support it.

Having showered herself, and having woken up considerably more, she walked back into the bedroom. Tamaki had a dumb grin on his face, and was visibly drooling into the pillow. Haruhi giggled softly, and using a corner of the bed sheets, wiped off his cheek. Unable to resist, she tussled his hair. She then crept out of the room into their kitchen and made herself a small bowl of cereal.

"Mei should be arriving soon…" she murmured, checking the time. She heard the soft padding of footsteps, and she turned to see Antoinette slowly walking towards her with her soft black eyes.

"Today's gonna be a great day, Anne!"

Antoinette laid down next to Haruhi, staring intently at the cereal bowl.

Haruhi's gaze changed quickly to shrewd suspicion. "Not for you."

* * *

><p>"So I guess I can't help but feel bad for Tamaki, you know? I mean, he *really* tries hard when we're in bed, but there's just not much you can do with only four inches, you know?"<p>

"Haruhi…"

"I guess I'll have to tell him eventually that it's just not cutting it, but he's so proud of himself. Could you imagine how he'd react if I told him that he wasn't quite 'doing it', right? I can't stand it when he cries, it just breaks my heart."

"Haruhi."

"I'll be honest though, when he's using those strong, piano-playing fingers, it's something else entirely though, and I especially love the part where he…"

"HARUHI!"

Haruhi broke off mid-sentence. "Oh." She blushed and grinned. "Sorry."

Mei glared at her, though only briefly as she needed to keep her eyes on the road. "You know, I'm happy you and Tamaki are happy together, but I really wish you'd stop describing your sex life to me in such lurid detail. It's driving me to a superstate between Nausea and Rage, and the result is not unlike trying to explain H.P. Lovecraft to a seven year old. With Cancer. Whose father died in the war. While trying to deliver a stack of H.P. Lovecraft books to starving orphans in Africa." She paused for a moment. "Anyways, I think that's how Renge was conceived."

"Right, sorry I… Wait, what?"

"Look, I'm just saying, it pisses me off, alright?"

They drove in silence for a few minutes. Haruhi continued to stare out the window. The Prefecture Law Firm was already in view, but with the absurd street layout, it would take some time for them to arrive.

"Hey, when do I get to be a godmother?"

Haruhi rolled her eyes. "Just give us a year or two, we want to have at least some form of savings prepared, which means me doing well at this job for at least a year or two."

"Oh good. I just wanted to be clear on that issue. You and Tamaki spend the first year of your marriage humping like bunnies, but you intend to wait a few years to have kids. Alright. Sure. That's logical. What happened to all that money the Suoh family was supposed to have?"

Haruhi grinned sheepishly. "Spent on therapy. The Suoh's managed to hold onto just enough money to keep their enterprises afloat, and it'll be some time before their profits are stable enough for anyone involved to have any lending money."

"Therapy? For what? Being ego-centric nutjobs?"

Haruhi sighed. "Alright Mei, what's bothering you?"

Mei sighed. "I dunno. I guess things are going okay for me, it's just… Well, everything has gotten so boring lately. I mean, I used to hear about all the crazy shit you put up with when you were in high school, then when you went to university in America, and had to put up with more crazy shit there. Meanwhile, the whole time, my life is a never-ending plateau of monotony. I mean, where's MY six idiots who will dress up like women just to beg me to stay with them?"

"You could dress up like a dude and try to join an actual host club. Seems to have worked for me."

Mei raised an eyebrow. "Sorry Haruhi, but not all of us are blessed with your washboard chest. Some of us are just automatically assumed female when we walk in the door."

Haruhi made a soft noise under her breath that sounded like a cross between a growl and a hiss.

"Hey, where am I supposed to drop you off?"

"I'm going to assume it's the gigantic building with the words "PREFECTURE LAW FIRM" emblazoned on the front."

"Okay smart-ass, that's brilliant. I never would have guessed. But do you have any insight as to which door I drop you off at?"

Haruhi giggled. "Just take me to the front door."

"God, I really wish you guys would get your own damn car. Do I have to pick you up this evening?"

"No, I'm going to work out a train route."

"Good."

Haruhi smiled at her friend. "Aw Mei, thanks for doing this."

"Sure thing buddy. Same time next week?"

Haruhi raised her hand to her forehead. "Look, why don't you come over this Friday and join me and Tamaki for dinner?"

Mei sighed. "Yeah, I'll do that."

* * *

><p>The woman sitting in front of Haruhi was supposed to be her boss.<p>

One of Haruhi's most uncanny abilities was the ability to understand, on a deep profound level, how people worked. It might be enough for her friends that she could superficially tell when something was wrong, but for Haruhi, her insight went so much deeper. If anyone had believed, 5 years ago, that things really had worked out between Tamaki and his family, they were sorely mistaken. But a lot of talking, with Haruhi mediating the discourse, had been what was needed to finally reach the stage where everyone was calm and eager to be together. They weren't quite at the point where family-get-togethers were an option, but at least the prospects of reaching that point were secure.

Reading her boss, however, was proving a considerably less fruitful endeavor.

"So you were the smartest girl in your high school, correct?"

Haruhi stared at her. "Well, by logical definition, yes. I ran the risk of getting kicked out if my grades weren't top in the school, so quod erat demonstrandum, I must have been the smartest person at my school because if there ever was anyone smarter than me, I had to surpass them or else lose my scholarships. I actually ran into trouble once with that. But I don't think my high school career is relevant at this stage—"

The woman cracked a smile. "Then I think we have a good assignment for you, for your first case. I assume you practiced a few cases under your professors while at University?"

"Um, yes. There were five cases I assisted with over my time at College. The first was defending a 17 year old boy who had shot his teacher, the second was a civil dispute between—"

"I don't want to know the specifics." She rose from behind her desk and turned to look out the window. "The man you'll be defending is on trial for a number of heinous crimes. It is considered common knowledge that he is guilty of all these crimes. Your job will be to prove him innocent in a court of law."

Haruhi raised an eyebrow. "Is he innocent?"

"Probably not."

"Oh. Well. I'm glad I can help," Haruhi said dispassionately.

She heard the woman chuckle briefly. "We took on his case once before and were able to successfully turn the jury to his side. There is a reason we would bring someone as bright as you into our firm, and we expect you not to disappoint us."

Haruhi shook her head. "But you're not even convinced he's innocent this time."

"He outright admitted to us he was guilty last time. Made our case easier because we knew where we needed to strengthen his defense."

"But why would we defend someone we clearly think is evil?"

Her boss chuckled again. "Oh, I do love the fresh lilies." She turned back to face Haruhi and lit up a cigarette. "We're defending him because the commission alone will probably pay your salary for the year. If you can even manage to prove him innocent, you'll probably get a large bonus for your efforts." She grinned, revealing a rather terrifying expression. "I hear you intend to have children once you've amassed a stable nest egg of savings. Wouldn't it be lovely if that could happen sooner rather than later?"

Haruhi nodded silently, feeling uncomfortable about the prospects. Were this another time in her life, she would have told her boss to go to hell and walked out the door, but her priorities had changed considerably since then. _Hey mom, try not to be too mad at me, alright? This is for your future grandchildren._ "What's the name of the man I'm representing?"

Her boss shrugged. "No one knows. We've just been told to address him as 'Hannibal Lector'. There is, of course, no such person that has lived in the last millennium and a half, so it is obviously a pseudonym. Oh, and that reminds me. You'll be getting a pseudonym as well. Lector has a tendency of attracting unwanted attention to his lawyers, so to protect your personal life, you'll be addressed for the next few months as 'Patricia Martin'." She reached into the drawer of her desk and pulled out a black wig. "You'll want this."

* * *

><p>Lector just looked like a terrible person. Tattoos depicting skulls and chains spread across his entire body. His clothes were torn, and he seemed incapable of smiling.<p>

Nonetheless, black-haired-Haruhi adjusted the microphone and spoke to the crowd of several hundred reporters.

"I, Patricia Martin, am the legal counsel for Mr. Lector. It is my understanding that he is innocent of the charged placed against him, and I intend to prove these facts in court."

This, of course, was met by a screaming of insults and boos from the amassed crowd.

"I would remind all of you that it is the duty of us, as citizens, to consider only the facts of the case, and not let preconceived judgments of guilt determine how we treat everyone involved."

This caused the boos to silence, but not the hissing.

"And of course, we must remember that we are a society comprised of sane, reasonable individuals, and if it is in their judgment that Mr. Lector is found guilty, then this judgment shall be accepted and carried out."

The hissing stopped, but the boos began again.

_I wonder if I could make a mix tape out of this. _

A reporter addressed Haruhi. "Excuse me, Miss Martin, but on what basis do you believe Mr. Lector to be innocent? Several eyewitnesses have claimed to have witnessed his brutal atrocities first-hand."

Haruhi nodded, allowing herself time to prepare her sentence structure. "I don't feel obligated to answer such a question outside a court of law." Right as the boos and hissing began again, though, Haruhi followed up with, "HOWEVER…" And at that, the crowd silenced itself, "It might be appropriate to shed some light on the most damning of the evidence."

Haruhi turned her back to the crowd for a brief moment to look at Lector, who stared at her with a lecherous look on his face. She began to speak.

"Much of the evidence presented in this case comes from eye-witness testimony, this is true. And while I could go into detail about the unreliability of evidence from such sources, expositing on the actual likelihood that these witnesses actually saw Mr. Lector commit these crimes, and not someone who bears a superficial resemblance to Mr. Lector—Certainly I will be going into detail on those considerable issues—but rather, I would direct your attention to the man himself."

She turned back to face the crowd. "Mr. Lector is not an unintelligent man. He is not impulsive, he is not reckless, and he is not gullible. Whatever he may be, in the realms of morality and legality, he is none of those things. But you know this, don't you? The man has been in the public's eye for some time. And I ask only that you consider, for whatever worth it may be, to try to place yourself inside the mind of a man like Mr. Lector, whom you believe to be a vicious man, and ask, given those traits, whether this man would attack another human being so ostentatiously."

By this point, Haruhi had worked up a sort of momentum, and the crowd couldn't help by be enthralled (though, as Haruhi quickly noted, it was certainly more a function of their idiocy than any genuine charisma she might possess) as she built to the denouement: "Certainly a man might be driven to murder the one who slept with his wife. Certainly a woman might murder the one who soiled her husband. Perhaps someone merely views the world through a corrupt lens, and seeks to have it burned down before them, but Lector is none of those people. Considering even for a moment the possibility that he is capable, conscientiously, of exacting such a brutal streak of violence upon us, are you prepared to believe that he would do so in such a direct and over-the-top manner?" She peered down upon the amassed. "I am not."

The crowd remained deathly quiet. Haruhi took this as a victory, but did not cheer for it. Though she had successfully mollified the crowd, the doublespeak and lies necessary to have done so felt like poison running through her veins, and it wasn't a good feeling.

* * *

><p>"That was an excellent speech, Miss Martin."<p>

Haruhi awoke, finding herself on the train. She looked to her left to see a young man smiling at her, holding an obscured notebook.

"Ugh, who are you?"

"I'm terribly sorry to wake you. I represent the Prefecture Local News, and was hoping I could ask you a few questions about the case you've taken on. Also, I need you to spell your name for me, I seem to be having a few difficulties spelling it." He smiled innocently as he spoke those last few words.

Haruhi spelled her name "Patricia Martin" to the man while she checked the time, noting that she had a few minutes before the train would be reaching her stop. "Make it quick, mister, um…"

The man smiled charmingly. "Yagami. My name is Light Yagami."

"Right. Mr. Yagami." Haruhi noticed that he hadn't yet actually written her name down, and seemed to be trying to recall the spelling in his head.

"Certainly. First of all," he took on a pained look on his face as he said this, "do you honestly believe in Lector's innocence?"

Haruhi looked at him suspiciously. "That's not the sort of question you should be asking me."

Light turned away smiling. "I understand your trepidation, but I would then ask that you consider the place you've put yourself in. You've been paid to defend his innocence, when any man observing these proceedings would have already assumed his guilt. So I guess what I'm really asking is, what is a young woman such as yourself doing wasting your time protecting someone such as him?"

Haruhi backed away. "Are you… Are you flirting with me?"

Light continued to smile. "Not at all."

"I happen to be married."

"Then your husband is a very lucky man."

Haruhi felt uncomfortable. It wasn't just the very invasive questions, or the manner in which he attempted to lead her responses, or even the unapologetic bias he was displaying, whereupon he seemed determined to prove the man's guilt. She had the impression that Light was trying to encourage her, indirectly, to stop defending Lector.

He continued with his questioning. "The man got off on a technicality last time. How do you feel that will influence this trial?"

"I'm sorry? That seems like a very loaded question."

"For the crimes he has committed, I don't think anyone here would blink if he were given the death penalty. He deserves to die. So how will this influence your defense of him?"

"Alright, STOP."

Light's smile faded slightly, but not altogether.

Many of the passengers were paying acute attention to the conversation taking place, but Haruhi paid no attention to them. "I want to be very clear about this. Mr. Lector is a Japanese citizen. He deserves the rights and privileges a Japanese Citizen deserves, and those include the right to a fair trial, the right to be considered innocent until proven guilty, and I intend to ensure that he receives those rights. That's the cornerstone of our society, and if we do not uphold those pillars, then we might as well be barbarians. Even if he is guilty, I would rather him set free by a fair trial than locked up by an unfair trial."

His face had what Haruhi could have described as disappointment. "I see." He turned away from her. "So what you're saying is, it doesn't matter to you if he gets away with his crimes again, if it means that the law was upheld."

Haruhi thought about it for a moment, while the man watched her intently. "I guess that is what I'm saying. I'm sorry if that doesn't fit into your little narrative, but that's how I feel." Saying that made her nearly throw up, but she restrained herself.

Light sighed and began to write into his notebook, as the train slowed to a stop. Haruhi stood up and began to make her way towards the exit, while Light also stood up, and made his way towards an opposite exit.

"Have a good day, Mrs. Martin." he said, without facing her.

**TO BE CONTINUED?**

_**Dun dun duuuuuuuuuhnnnnnnnn...**_


	2. Oh Dear, was That the Fourth Wall?

A Letter from the Author:

You should probably be informed that the story you've been reading has been rated "NC-17" by the MPAA for the following reasons:

Obnoxious and unnecessary profanity

Implied violence

At least two scenes where a fruit basket features prominently

Actual violence used to imply violence

Repeated use of the word "certainly"

Little-to-no adherence to any basic constructs of plot, characterization, or thematic overture

Willful misuse of dimensional transfer technology

A Shameless absence of Consistency

And worst of all: A single reference to Bill O'Reilly

Fortunately, since this isn't a movie, I guess you'll just have to read this anyways.

Sincerely,

Xirema the Insane

* * *

><p>Haruhi collapsed onto the bed and took the wig off. She managed to doze off for all of ten seconds before she heard a familiar voice.<p>

"HAAAAAAA-RUUUUUUUUU-HIIIIIIIIIII!"

She barely had time to get up and look around before she was tackled by her husband, sans clothes, to the ground. Tamaki grinned as he slid his arms around her and nestled his head next to hers. "So honey, how was work today?"

"I see you've decided to forgo your clothes for the day," Haruhi deadpanned with a blank, cheerful expression on her face.

"That's right!" Tamaki shouted, standing up suddenly. "Clothes are for squares, Haruhi! And we shall not be a family of Squares, no sir! WE shall be a family of CIRCLES!"

Haruhi sat upright and stared at him. "So Circles don't wear clothes then?"

"Only on Thursdays, Haruhi! Or Fridays. Or any day that isn't Thursday or Friday."

"So what you're telling me is that you forgot to put on clothes today."

Tamaki suddenly developed a serious look on his face. "Not exactly. For you see, Haruhi, it was not by MY choice that I would not be wearing clothes today!"

Haruhi grinned and leaned back. "And why is that?"

"Because…" Tamaki leaned down to her and began to look around suspiciously. "I have discovered a shocking secret! The reason I can't wear my clothes today is that all my underwear has been stolen!"

"So why not just wear normal clothes without underwear?"

"Ugh, because… Be… Because then my clothes would be underwear, and I'd be out in the streets in my underwear! But never mind that, that's not what's important!"

"I bet."

"You see, I know WHO has been stealing my underwear! You might think I'm crazy, but this is the most sane part!"

"Really." Haruhi stood up and walked to her clothes heap. "Continue."

"My underwear has been stolen… BY THE UNDERPANTS GNOMES!"

"That sounds terrible."

"It is!"

Haruhi picked out a well-worn pair of her own panties. "Here, put these on, put some trousers on, and let's eat. Did you prepare any dinner?"

"Wha—I can't wear those! I won't fit!"

Haruhi slapped them against his chest, snickering and saying quietly, "I don't think you'll have that much trouble fitting."

* * *

><p>"So my day pretty much sucked."<p>

Tamaki set his chopsticks down.

"Get this. My first client is some big shot criminal who goes by "Hannibal Lector." Not one person I've asked who worked with him thinks he's guilty, and he pretty much said so himself when I asked him. And somehow I have to prove him innocent."

Tamaki leaned back. "That sucks."

"I have to wear a wig and insist my name is Patricia Martin. It's like some kind of nightmare!"

Tamaki tapped his plate a few times with his chopsticks. "How much are you getting paid?"

Haruhi sighed. "Enough to pave the way for our hypothetical child all the way to college. That's how much."

Tamaki set his food down and crawled around to put his arms around Haruhi. "You know, my family might be doing better. I know how badly you wanted to follow like your mother, but is this really what she would have wanted? For you to be doing a job you don't like just for the money?"

Haruhi sighed and rested her head against his. "I don't know. It would feel really messed up if I took money from your family though, like I hadn't actually earned it. I wish I could ask my mother what she thought of all this. Like, maybe she faced a decision like this."

Tamaki reached across their placements and grabbed his food before Antoinette managed to steal it. "What was the most important thing to your mother?"

Haruhi thought for a moment. "Family."

Tamaki smiled. "So what do you think she would say?"

Haruhi averted her eyes. "She'd tell me that it'll all be worth it, for the future I'll secure for our child. Maybe."

Tamaki took a few bites of his food, keeping one arm around Haruhi.

Haruhi looked at him, and at his exposed chest. "How on earth do you stay fit like that?"

Tamaki grinned. "Well, I have a lot of time, don't I?"

Haruhi poked at Tamaki's abs. "And here I am, all squishy and weak."

"That just makes you more fun, my little buttercup."

They poked and prodded each other playfully for a moment, before Haruhi allowed herself to fall on top of him. But just as quickly as she became amorous, she suddenly felt like her whole body was freezing cold. "Oh god."

Tamaki frowned, noticing the sudden change in her body language. "What is it?"

"I just thought about this jerk that heckled me on the train home. Some reporter for the Prefecture Local News."

"The station we never watch?"

"I don't care who he worked for, he was a creep! He kept asking me all these invasive questions about the case. It's almost like he was trying to convince me to abandon the case."

Tamaki's eyes widened. "Wow."

"The worst part was his first question, it was like…" Haruhi directed her gaze away from Tamaki's eyes. "It was like he was trying to flirt with me or something."

The change in Tamaki was instantaneous and drastic. He stood up, his food bowl flying to the ground. "WHO THE HELL WAS THIS BASTARD?"

Haruhi thought for a moment. "I think… His name was Light."

Antoinette dashed for the food Tamaki had discarded and began to lap it up intensely.

Tamaki stared at her. "What was the son of a bitch's last name?"

"Um…" She thought for a moment before she remembered. "Oh yeah. It was Yagami. Light Yagami."

Tamaki stared at her for a few seconds. Then, all of a sudden, his eyes glazed over. Then, he grasped his head. "Ow, I think…" There was a sensation within his head of a powerful pulse, like a single heartbeat. "You said… What's…" He fell to his knees, clutching his head.

"Tamaki!" Haruhi rushed to him.

Without warning, Tamaki began to scream.

* * *

><p>Haruhi's eyes bulged from their eye sockets as she began to panic, wondering what was happening.<p>

But as quickly as it began, it stopped, and Tamaki relaxed, panting quickly and coarsely.

"Tamaki! Tamaki, darling, are you okay?"

Tamaki grasped his head for a few moments, before a look of horror spread across his face. "Haruhi…"

"What?"

He grasped her around her shoulders, and she noticed that his eyes were watering up. "Haruhi… Please tell me he doesn't know your name."

"What? I don't…"

"PLEASE! TELL ME YOU DIDN'T TELL HIM YOUR NAME!" He looked hysterical.

"I… My boss told me to use a pseudonym, so I told him that. Is that okay?"

Tamaki's horror began to break into a relieved grin. "Oh." He grabbed her and squeezed her against his chest, laugh-sobbing against her.

"Ack! Tamaki… You're crushing me…"

He slowly eased his grip on her, but maintained its duration. "Thank god…"

"Tamaki, I'm glad you're so affectionate, but what's the matter? You're freaking me out."

Tamaki let go of her and his look of horror reappeared on his face. "Oh no. Oh no. No, no no no no no no no no no no no this is really bad this is really bad this is really bad..."

Haruhi stared bewildered at him.

"That means… That means he's going to come here, and he's going to figure out who you really are, and he's going to kill you, and then he'll kill me, and we're doomed, and oh god oh god oh god oh god—"

Haruhi slapped him across the face. "Tamaki! Snap out of it! What are you babbling about?"

"Haruhi, I know we've only had five years together, but I just want you to know, they've been the best years of my life, and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world, I love you, and I—"

**SLAP!** "TAMAKI! Stop freaking out, and explain to me what the hell is the matter with you!"

Tamaki stared at her for a moment, and then bolted up and began closing curtains. "I saw something, Haruhi."

"What?"

Once all the curtains had been closed, and the room became very dark, except for a single light from the candle sitting on their counter, Tamaki approached Haruhi. "Or, I guess… I don't know what it was. But… When you said his name. Light Yagami. I… There was like this burst of color and sound. I don't know what it was."

Haruhi stared at him in disbelief. "What are you talking about?"

He sighed. "Okay. I think… I think… Yeah. That's it. That has to be it. I think I know what has happened."

Haruhi nodded, indicating that he should proceed.

"You see, when you mentioned his name, I had this burst of knowledge, and now, I know everything about him."

"What?"

"I…" Tamaki smiled. "It was like watching a biopic of his life, really really fast, only I managed to remember everything that happened." He leaned back for a moment as his eyes glazed over again. "Whoa, hang on…"

"Tamaki?"

He snapped out of it much less painfully this time. "Right." A look of apprehension formed on his face, and it quickly gave way to realization. "RIGHT!" He stood up. "I think I understand what's happened!"

"So explain it!"

"I've gained all of Light Yagami's memories. I don't know how, but I do know why." He raised one hand a pointed with it into the air. "You see, he and I share a bond that I didn't know about until just this moment. I don't know what it's called, but if his name is ever uttered to me, I instantly learn everything about who he is, and what he's done." He paused for a moment, "and I bet… If he heard my name, he'd learn everything about me."

Haruhi gawked, unable to understand what was happening. "Okay, fine, but why?"

"BECAUSE!" Tamaki smiled. "Because Light Yagami and I… Share a voice actor!"

Haruhi wasn't quite sure what to make of this statement. _You share a voice actor? What the hell does that mean?_

"You're probably wondering what the hell that means."

Haruhi nodded. "Uh-huh."

"Well, it's really very simple." Tamaki stood up and stared off into a corner of the room with his fist raised. "You see, in the Anime Adaptations of our respective series, Light Yagami and I were both voiced by the same person, Mamoru Miyano!"

Haruhi sighed.

She raised a hand to her forehead and lightly bopped herself on the head with her fist. "It's really come to this, hasn't it?"

Tamaki turned to face her.

"Alright, explain all of this to me, but in a moment. I think you and I both know what has to be done now."

Tamaki nodded, understanding instantly.

"I really hate to have to do this, but I guess we don't have a choice at this point."

* * *

><p>Haruhi closed her eyes for a moment, and then opened them and turned to face the now-broken Fourth Wall. The Fourth Wall had become a pitiable creature. Though it had gallantly stood for almost 5000 words, it now found itself crumbling before their very eyes.<p>

"I'm really sorry guys. We tried to keep this as self contained as we could, but that's not possible anymore." She grinned. "Try not to be upset by this development."

Tamaki bowed solemnly towards the remnants of the Fourth Wall as it continued to pathetically crumble, almost making a soft 'mewing' sound as it did so. He then turned to Haruhi. "Can I continue?"

"Yeah, I think lingering any longer on that would only make things worse."

* * *

><p>"Right, look, the important thing is, because he and I shared a Japanese voice actor, I know everything he knows, he knows everything I know, and I know everything he knows that I know, and what I know, is what he knows, which is that he knows that if I know what he knows he knows he has to kill us, before anyone else knows!"<p>

Haruhi's eyes rolled around disconcertedly as he unleashed that spiel, before she managed to figure it out. "Um, okay. What do you know that he would want to kill you for?"

Tamaki knelt down to Haruhi. "Light Yagami… Is Kira."

Haruhi blinked at him.

He waved his hands. "Right, sorry. It feels like this stuff is common knowledge, but you wouldn't know any of it." He took a deep breath.

"Light Yagami found a notebook one day called the Death Note, he discovered that he could write someone's name in it, and as long as he did so with an image of the persons face in his head, doing so would cause them to die. Having discovered this power he developed a god complex, and convinced himself that he should use the power of the notebook to kill off all the criminals in the world, thereby making the world safe for law abiding citizens. But when he attracted the attention of various law enforcement agencies around the world, he realized that the only way he could succeed was to kill off anyone that knew his secret, such that he could continue to kill criminals even in spite of their distain of his actions. This obsession eventually corrupted and twisted him, until he was killing anyone who stood in his way, and it got to the point where he would even have killed innocents, if they were so negligent as to be lazy or apathetic towards others."

Haruhi continued to blink at him. "But how does he know you know about his secret? He's never met you."

Tamaki stared at her. "…Oh yeah. Well, then I guess we have nothing to worry about!"

"Wait, wait a minute. Why would he have tried to kill me? I don't know anything about him, and I'm not a criminal!"

Tamaki sat there and thought about it.

"Unless…" Haruhi placed a hand against her head. "_There is, of course, no one who has lived in the last century and a half with that name, so it is obviously a pseudonym_." "The guy I'm defending uses a pseudonym, and no one knows his real name. And you said Yagami needs a name and face to kill someone?"

"Yeah."

Haruhi stood up and began pacing the room. "Then that's it, isn't it? That son of a bitch! He knows Lector is guilty, but also that he can't kill him, so he's going to kill me to ruin his chances of getting an innocent verdict!"

"How does he know Lector is guilty?"

"EVERYONE KNOWS LECTOR IS GUILTY! That's literally what he is. I bet you could imagine some random crime, and he'd be guilty of it!" Haruhi stopped pacing. "He's going to know I gave him a pseudonym."

Tamaki's eyes widened. "How do you know?"

Haruhi glared at him. "Well, I imagine when I show up at the trial, you know, NOT dead."

"Oh crap!"

They sat in silence for a moment.

"You know Tamaki, I probably won't be able to do a lot of mothering if I'm dead."

Tamaki averted his eyes.

"And it seemed like Yagami was trying to convince me that I shouldn't be defending Lector. I bet he would avoid killing me if I decided to drop the case."

"That's probably one way out of this."

Their doorbell rang.

* * *

><p><strong>SO THESE PEOPLE ACTUALLY THOUGHT THIS STORY WAS GOING TO BE A DRAMA ABOUT CORRUPTION AND THE SACRIFICES PEOPLE MAKE FOR THEIR FAMILIES?<strong>

**_Yeah! They totally bought it!_**

**I WISH I COULD SEE THE LOOKS ON THEIR FACES WHEN THEY REALIZED IT'S JUST GOING TO BE A BUNCH OF POSTMODERN CRAP!**

**_Yeah… Hey, want to get some coffee later?_**

**WHAT?**

**_Just, you know…_**

**LOOK, I DON'T SWING THAT WAY, ALRIGHT?**

**_Who said anything about that? I just…_**

**I'M PERFECTLY FINE, AND I'M NOT INTERESTED IN YOU.**

**_Well, okay. Just wanted to hang out, but if you're busy, then that's cool._**

**IT'S NOT A QUESTION OF WHETHER I'M TOO BUSY OR NOT. I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU.**

**_Hey now, I never suggested you were. No need to get all defensive about it._**

**WELL OKAY THEN.**

"Hey Tamaki, do you hear that?"

"Don't worry Haruhi, it's just the narrators. They're going to be showing up occasionally from now on."

"Oh. That kind of sucks."

"Yeah…"


	3. How Predictable

A Letter from the Author:

I feel like I've not properly introduced myself. So I shall do so now. Hi. I'm Xirema. I'm a self-indulgent Narcissist. When I'm not writing crappy stories, (like this one!) I'm mostly watching Anime or playing video games. But what I love to do even more is *tell* people about the Anime I watch or the Video Games I play. Because as everyone knows, nothing makes you more of a true fan than taking up everyone's time by telling them how great your favorite stuff is!

But I digress.

Sincerely,

Xirema the Corrupt

* * *

><p><em><strong>Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice—Er, I mean, the Suoh-Fujioka household…<strong>_

Haruhi and Tamaki held each other as the doorbell rang for a second time.

"Who do you think it is?"

Haruhi sighed. "I've got a few guesses, and the first one's don't count." She crept up to the door and looked through the peekhole. Light Yagami, distorted by the convex lens inside the peekhole, stood outside.

Haruhi closed her eyes for a moment and resolved herself. "Tamaki, get out of sight. If it looks like he might have figured out how to kill me, attack him. I don't know the limits of that notebook, but the last thing I want to do is act recklessly."

"What are you going to tell him?" Tamaki raised his hands to his chin and looked frightened.

"No idea." Haruhi reached for the door knob as Tamaki scurried off into hiding. Cautiously opening the door, she looked at Light. He appeared very agitated, and her presence there visibly exasperated him. "Ah, hello Mr. Yagami," she said, raising an eyebrow and attempting to sound condescending.

Light looked at her and put on a smile. It was the same smile he'd worn when talking to her on the train, but this time, Haruhi could tell it was fake. "I would say the same to you, I would, Mrs. Martin. But I'm afraid I'm a little confused."

"Really? And why is that?"

"Well, I spoke to my editor, and he laughed at me when I told you your name. Patricia Martin is the name of Lector's previous attorney, and she doesn't resemble you in the slightest."

_I wonder if he really investigated that._ Haruhi put on a guilty face. "I'm sorry, but my boss gave me a pseudonym, precisely to maintain my anonymity. Which begs the question of how you found me," she said, narrowing her eyes at him. _If he's here now, but I'm not dead, then that means he followed me home. But he can't admit that. So what kind of excuse explains how you could find me but not have already worked out my identity?_

Light didn't change his facial expression. "I guess you caught me." He raised his arms above his head. "I followed you."

… _Or maybe he will._

"I'm sorry. And I certainly understand your desire to remain anonymous. I guess that keeps creeps like me from following you around." He changed his smile, and this one seemed somewhat more genuine. "Is your husband around?"

Haruhi wasn't sure how to react. _If he doesn't know my name, then it can't hurt to threaten him, except that he might figure out some other way of discovering my name._

"I don't mean to encroach on your residence. And I have no intention of revealing your identity to the world. I only ask that you be honest with me. That's all I'm asking." He then leaned up close to her. "And anyways, I know your last name already, Mrs. Suoh."

_Shit! If he knows that, it wouldn't take long before he… Wait…_

"And I want to be clear…" He said as he began to invade her personal space, "I'm not going to betray your trust."

"GET AWAY FROM MY WIFE, KIRA!"

Haruhi saw Light's face contort into anger and fright for only a fraction of a second before Tamaki barreled out of the door and tackled Light, throwing him to the ground.

"HOW DARE YOU APPROACH HER!"

"Tamaki, stop!"

All three of them froze as Haruhi said that, and then immediately clasped her hands over her mouth.

Light kicked Tamaki off of himself and rolled himself upright. "Tamaki Suoh, huh? And you know that—" He stopped, as his pupils dilated, and he clutched his head. Tamaki was suffering a similar response, though as he had already heard Light's name, neither he nor Haruhi understood precisely what was happening.

Light recovered from the info dump much faster than Tamaki had, and managed to compose himself. A wicked smile spread across his face. "I see. I understand now. That idiot is Tamaki Suoh, and that makes you…" He looked up at Haruhi, and immediately became confused. "You look like… But…" A realization spread across his face and he whipped out the notebook he'd kept concealed before. "You'd have to be Haruhi Fujioka, aren't you?"

Haruhi panicked. _I'm such an idiot!_ She sprinted towards Light, attempting to tackle him herself. But Light parlayed her charge and threw her to the ground as he pulled out a pen and scribbled quickly into the notebook. Then, satisfied with the writing, he closed the notebook, walked up to Haruhi, kicked her onto her back and placed his shoe upon her chest. Haruhi gasped from the pain.

"Your idiotic husband was right. I'm Kira. But it's not going to matter much longer. Because you're dead now. It'll only take about 30 more seconds. So what I'm going to do here is explain what you did wrong."

Haruhi gasped and stared up at Light. "Please… Please don't do this…"

Light chuckled. "Oh, I can't undo it anymore. Your name is already written down, it's too late. But understand something, Haruhi… I gave you a choice. You could have refused to serve Lector, and that would have been the end of it. But you made your evil decision to defend the man, and now here we are."

"… Why?"

"BECAUSE I AM JUSTICE!" Light yelled, his appearance growing increasingly more deranged. He smirked and checked his watch. "Goodbye, 'Patricia Martin'."

* * *

><p>1 second passed.<p>

2 seconds passed.

5 seconds passed.

10 seconds passed.

Haruhi reached up and felt herself. _I'm… when am I supposed to die?_

Light grew increasingly impatient. "When did I…"

Another 10 seconds passed.

Light's look changed rapidly from sadistic delight to diabolical fury. "WHY AREN'T YOU DEAD?"

Light immediately found himself thrown to the ground as Tamaki tackled him again. Holding the notebook loosely in his hand, Light let go of it in the shock and Haruhi managed to grab it. It flipped open immediately to the last used page, which read:

_Patrcia Martin_

_Patricia Martin_

_Patricia Suoh_

_Haruhi Suoh_

Haruhi blinked at the page. "Haruhi Suoh?"

Light began to stand up, noticing that Haruhi had appropriated the notebook.

"I didn't take Tamaki's surname when I got married. I kept my old name."

Haruhi looked up at Light. He was turned away from them, fiddling with his watch.

Haruhi handed the notebook to Tamaki. "Burn this. I'll keep him from getting to you."

Tamaki took the notebook and ran back into the house.

Haruhi stood up and took on a stable defensive stance. "You're not getting past me, Light!"

Light didn't look at her. He continued to fiddle with his hands, turned away from her.

"What are you—"

"Didn't take your husband's surname in marriage, huh Fujioka?"

"I… No…"

Light turned around. "A simple mistake, I don't think I'll be making twice," he said, holding up a scrap of paper with the words _Haruhi Fujioka_ written.

Haruhi's stomach dropped. "Is that from—"

"Yes."

Haruhi remained frozen in place, unable to think anything more complex than the following: _He did it. No. No no no no no no no no no…_

Tamaki emerged from the house, holding the notebook, now burning. "Haruhi?"

Haruhi turned to face him despondently. "He won, Tamaki. He had a scrap of the notebook left over."

Tamaki's face changed twice. First it changed to a look of terror. But just as quickly, he suddenly grinned. "You've lost, Kira!"

Light stared at him. "What are you talking about, idiot?"

Tamaki walked up to Haruhi and put an arm around her. "You're thinking she's going to die in a few seconds, right?" He tossed the notebook onto the pavement, as it was about to begin to burn his hand.

"Tamaki…" Haruhi buried herself in his chest.

Light stared at them. "Five more seconds, enjoy this last moment with her!"

1 second passed.

2 seconds passed.

5 seconds passed.

6 seconds passed.

And Haruhi was still alive.

The color drained from Light's face. "That's… that's not possible…"

Tamaki began to laugh, as Haruhi realized she was still alive, and released herself from her husband.

Light tackled Tamaki to the ground. "WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING, IDIOT? WHAT DID YOU DO?"

Tamaki stared at him with a big grin on his face. "I didn't do anything, Kira! This is all your doing!"

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

"Kira, how many times did you misspell Haruhi's name before you finally got it right?"

Light stared at him. "Four times, twice with her pseudonym, once with…" He realized what had happened.

"You wrote her name incorrectly four times. Doing so made her invulnerable to the death note. Even if you had that notebook in its undamaged state, you still can't kill her with it!"

Light grew furious. He bared his teeth, shaking uncontrollably. But then he relaxed himself. "… But what's stopping me from killing you?"

Tamaki panicked. "You…"

Light pushed himself back up, and knocked Haruhi to the ground, who had attempted to attack him. "You might be alive, Fujioka, but I'm not leaving here empty-handed! You made me do this!"

There was a flash of white near Light's hand. The remaining corner of the death note he'd held onto vanished from his hand. Concurrently, a cut formed across his hand.

He looked up at his hand. "What… The hell…?"

The corner of paper was gone. A brief scanning of the area revealed what had happened. A long, thin, dart, made of white paper, had struck the piece of paper out of Light's hand, and driven it straight into the burning notebook, disintegrating it almost instantly.

"Who…?"

"Oh, I think it's pretty clear who I am, don't you think?"

All three of them turned to the street, where they saw a young librarian, under a street lamp, walking towards them, holding several note cards in her hands. She had a stern look on her face, and seemed especially put out by Light.

"BY ORDER OF THE BRITISH LIBRARY!" She raised a hand into the air. "I, Agent Paper, condemn you, Kira!"

The cards of paper flew from her hands, binding themselves around Light's limbs, forcing him to the ground.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Whoa whoa, wait a minute. I thought this story was a crossover between Ouran and Death Note!<strong>_

**YOU KNOW, I THINK THE AUDIENCE CAN FIGURE IT OUT WITHOUT YOU BLATANTLY DRAWING ATTENTION TO IT.**

_**What are you talking about? I'm not doing it for their sakes, I'm trying to figure out what's going on. Why is this Paper chick showing up? Where's the explanation for that?**_

"Hey, you two!" Haruhi yelled into the sky.

**WHAT?**

"Keep it down! I'm sure there's an explanation coming eventually, so shut your damn mouths!"

…_**Sorry.**_

**I'M NOT.**

Paper approached Light. "I'm sorry, Mr. Suoh and Mrs. Fujioka, that I didn't arrive sooner than I did. It took us much too long to figure out where Kira had gotten off to."

Light snarled at them. "I should have known she'd make it here."

Haruhi stared at Paper. "Who… Are you?"

She smiled charmingly. "A friend. That's all you need to know." She then turned to Light. "You didn't think it was only the Japanese and the Americans after you, did you? You've made a lot of enemies, Kira."

Light scoffed. "You're just like Near. He refused to understand my greatness, and called me a serial killer instead."

"There's two ways we do this, Kira. We either drag you in and lock you up, or, should you attempt to make a single move, any one of my subordinates kills you immediately."

Chuckling softly to himself, Light curled up. "It doesn't matter. This world was rotten to begin with. I guess even I wasn't enough to purify it."

Haruhi walked towards him. "For all the faults this world may have, I'd still prefer it over the world you want to create."

"Keep telling yourself that, Fujioka."

Paper sighed. "Alright. Let's get to work moving him."

"Wait."

Paper and Haruhi turned to look at Tamaki, who was approaching Light. "That doesn't make sense."

Light turned to face Tamaki. "What do you mean? Our world would be so much better without the criminals! We could have a utopia! We could have—"

"No, no no. I don't give a crap about that. I'm talking about what you said before. About how Paper reminded you of Near."

"Your point?"

Tamaki thought for a moment. "How old are you, Kira?"

Light gave a strange look at him. "Twenty-five years old."

Tamaki shook his head. "That's impossible. The reign of Kira lasted six years, starting in your senior year of high school. And at the end of it…" He pointed at Light, "you died. So how are you sitting here in front of us now?"

Light stared at him, a blank look on his face. "I… I don't…"

_**So wait a minute, they question that a dead character is now still alive, but aren't bothered by the fact that he existed originally in an entirely different universe than theirs?**_

Haruhi held her forehead. "Please just shut up." She then raised her head. "But that's a good point, Tamaki." She glanced up at the sky angrily. "Look. I don't know how our universes collided, but logically speaking, you should have been wrestled out from your universe at a time when you were still alive, if you're here now. But if you're old enough to have heard Near's spiel, then there's no way you could be in front of us alive by now, since you died almost immediately afterwards."

Light stared at them. "But I… I… When… AUGH!"

Light recoiled backwards as a bright, deep violet light burst forth from his chest. Cracks began to form, starting from the light, and spreading across his body, also burst forth with the same dark light. Eventually his entire body became covered in the light, and small, cuboid-shaped objects began to break away from him. These objects fluoresced into many different colors before evaporating into the air. That last to go was Light's horrified face, which remained frozen until the very end.

They heard a sound behind them, and watched as the burnt remains of the notebook also underwent the same process.

Paper stared at all of this, thoroughly confused. "I… I don't think I understand what just happened."

Haruhi turned to face Tamaki, who'd been a font of plot-relevant information up to this point. "Do you have any idea what just happened?"

Tamaki shook his head.


	4. The Plot Thins

A Letter From the Author:

It's much too early for me to be getting fan-mail, so instead, I've decided to simply imagine what it will be like. I assume it'll take the form of this:

_Dear Xirema,_

_Your story is the most pretentious, uninteresting piece of crap I've ever read. It is worse than anything Uwe Boll has made. It is worse than Twilight. I felt myself dying a little while reading this, and even after I read it, I could feel my intelligence being drained by nothing more than the mere thought of it. The world is poorer, sicker, and more depraved, because of the existence of your story. I really sincerely hope that you die in a fire, with beetles chewing up your entrails, after having your genitals hacked off by a chainsaw._

_I hate you._

_Sincerely,_

_Oprah Winfrey_

Well, Miss Winfrey, I would just like to thank you for writing in to me. I agree with most of the points you've made, and I think you and I agree on the overriding themes and contexts from which this story was based. It is good to meet a kindred spirit.

Sincerely,

Xirema the Magnificent

* * *

><p>Haruhi, Tamaki, and Paper all sat in the kitchen. It was now very late in the evening, and the three of them were all holding cups of tea that Haruhi had prepared.<p>

Haruhi was the first to speak. "Who are you?"

The woman sighed at them. "My code name is Agent Paper… But at this point, I guess I have to trust you guys. My real name is Yomiko Readman."

Haruhi nodded. "Okay. And you work for… The British Library?"

"That's the name of our organization, yes."

Haruhi assumed it was just a moniker and continued. "How long have you guys known about Light Yagami?"

Yomiko averted her eyes. "We knew about Kira for a long time. But we only figured out recently that his identity was Light Yagami."

Haruhi nodded. "Fair enough." She looked at Tamaki, who was innocently playing with Antoinette in the corner of the room. "I've made a few assumptions as to why Yagami tried to kill me and Tamaki, and my rationale is thusly:" She took a deep breath and continued, "the client I'm set to defend in court, named Hannibal Lector? Well, that's pretty clearly not his real name. And no one knows what his real name actually is. So I bet that Yagami figured, knowing that Lector is pretty obviously guilty, that his best course of action was to kill me, thus robbing Lector of any proper legal counsel." Haruhi smirked, and looked away. "Though why he thinks a first-time lawyer poses such a great threat is a mystery to me."

Yomiko also looked away. "I suppose there's no real reason to think otherwise."

Haruhi turned back to her. "So here's what's really bothering me: What happened to Light? Why did he just vanish into energy like that? And if he was supposed to be dead, then how was he alive when we found him?"

"I can't answer that."

Haruhi sighed. "You can't answer, or you won't?"

Yomiko frowned. "I mean that I don't know the answer. Please don't be so suspicious of me."

"Sorry."

"To be honest, this is the first time we've ever witnessed anything like this before. We have no idea why he dissolved like that."

"Could it have been the paradox?"

Both Haruhi and Yomiko turned to face Tamaki, who was currently pinned down by Antoinette. "Light was supposed to have been dead, but we noticed he was still alive. Maybe pointing out the paradox caused him to blink out of existence?"

"I'm not sure. It took almost a full minute after we pointed out the paradox for him to vanish." Haruhi slumped her head against her arm. "What about you?"

Yomiko blinked. "What do you mean?"

"Well, you're obviously not from our dimension, so how did you get here?"

Yomiko stared at her, still blinking. "I don't think I understand."

Haruhi sat up straight. "Or are we the ones that got transposed? Did Tamaki and I get transported into your universe, the one that contains Light Yagami?"

"Light Yagami and Yomiko Readman aren't from the same series."

"What?"

Tamaki looked up at them. "Yomiko comes from a novel series called "Read or Die". Light Yagami comes from a Manga series called "Death Note"."

"What are you talking about?"

Haruhi turned back to Yomiko. "Oh come on, Readman. We're all fictional characters."

"Well, yeah, I know but…" She began to whisper. "Are we allowed to actually acknowledge that?"

**YES, YOU ARE. THESE TWO SURVIVED BECAUSE OF THEIR RELIANCE ON THEIR ABILITY TO RAPE THE FOURTH WALL. I'VE NEVER SEEN A FOURTH WALL MORE VIOLATED THAN THE ONE IN CHARGE OF THIS SERIES.**

"… Exactly." Haruhi glared.

Yomiko looked around. "What does… 'it'… mean by that?"

"When Tamaki heard Light Yagami's name, he suddenly gained all of Yagami's memories. And, while it didn't last long, we noticed that when Yagami heard Tamaki's name, the same thing happened to him."

"Oh, the law of Voice Actors?"

"I guess that's what it's called. When you hear the name of a character with whom you share a voice actor, you gain all their memories."

"That's not exactly true."

Haruhi and Tamaki both looked at Yomiko inquisitively.

"You don't gain *all* their memories. You gain all knowledge that character had from when that character was being voiced by the matching voice actor. In a way of speaking, it means that when Tamaki heard Yagami's name, he gained everything that the Anime version of Light Yagami knew and had experienced."

"Oh."

Tamaki shook his head. "But wait, when I bumped into Yagami, I suddenly knew all the obscure rules of the Death Note, including that '4 misspellings' rule, which he didn't ever learn in the Anime. So how did I learn that?"

Yomiko frowned. "That… I don't understand. There's no rules governing what happens if you make contact, or if both people learn the other person's name."

Haruhi leaned back. "So what happened?"

Yomiko suddenly jumped up from her seat as her mobile phone began to ring. She picked it up. "Yes? You want… What?"

Haruhi and Tamaki looked at each other.

"… What? Well, I mean… I don't think it'll be a problem. Yeah. Bye."

"What was that?"

Yomiko turned to face them. "That was my boss."

Tamaki chimed in, "Mr. Joker?"

Yomiko frowned. "No, he was put into forced retirement after his plot went sour."

"Oh yeah."

Haruhi raised an eyebrow. "Wait, how did you know _that_?"

"Huh?" He looked around. "I guess I just knew."

They both stared at him for a moment, before Yomiko cleared her throat. "Uhm, anyways, that was my boss. He said that a young woman showed up at Headquarters, requesting the both of you."

"Requesting us?"

"She said she knew about the attack on the both of you, and had information you needed to know."

"Who is it?"

"I don't know?"

"What's she look like?"

"I don't know."

"What does she know?"

"I don't know."

Haruhi's eyebrow raised in disbelief. "I see."

Tamaki leaned back. "We should probably meet her."

Haruhi sat on her hands. "I have a job to do. I can't go anywhere."

Yomiko stood up. "I can't make you do anything. But it's clear that something very strange has happened here, and the person seeking you may know what's going on. I mean, I haven't even told my boss about you two, but someone there knows about you, and probably already understands what happened here. I don't know how long she intends to wait for you."

Sighing heavily, Haruhi closed her eyes. "Screw it. I can pretend that I care about my job, but I really want to know what's going on. Lector can die in a fire, for all I care. Defending him is a travesty upon my profession."

Yomiko smiled. "I'm headed back very soon. Perhaps I could give you a lift?"

Haruhi and Tamaki looked at each other. "Sure?"

* * *

><p>"Hey Tamaki."<p>

"Yeah, Haruhi?"

"Something occurs to me."

"What?"

"I never want to do that again."

"Aw Haruhi, it wasn't that bad."

"Never again."

"Why are you so bothered?"

"IT. IS. A GIANT. PAPER. AIRPLANE."

Yomiko approached them. "It's aerodynamically sound and it got us here in record time!" She began to walk in front of them towards the building they landed in front of. "We need to go inside."

They followed her, but Tamaki leaned in close to Haruhi as they did so. "Keep an eye on Yomiko."

Haruhi raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

"She's displayed a personality divergent from how she acted in the anime and books in which she starred. I'm worried about what that means."

"What do you mean? And you're one to talk about divergent personality. Since when do you know what the word "divergent" means?"

Tamaki looked surprised. "Haruhi, I was second in my class at Ouran. Kyoya was the only one above me in the class rankings. Of course I know these things."

_**You know, with Tamaki having acted like such an idiot in his series, it's really easy to forget that he, and most of the other people Haruhi knew were actually some of the smartest people at Ouran. Which I suppose doesn't speak fondly of those people…**_

**I DOUBT IT MATTERS, SINCE YOU GUYS ARE ALL SUBJECT TO THE AUTHOR'S WHIMS, WHICH MEANS TALKING EXACTLY THE SAME WAY HE DOES.**

"SHUT UP!" They both said in unison.

Yomiko stopped in her tracks. Haruhi and Tamaki caught up to her, and Haruhi turned to Yomiko. "What's going on?"

"Is that her?" She pointed at the doors, where a young woman stood. She had short hair, appearing to be a light purple color, and had a pointed face. There was a mechanical element to her stance, but at the same time, it almost appeared as though she didn't have control over her limbs, as they would occasionally twitch and her hands would latch themselves onto her outfit. She seemed to have noticed them, but had a difficult time focusing on them.

"Who's that?"

Haruhi and Yomiko both turned to Tamaki. He stared at them blankly. "I don't know."

They approached her. "Um, hello?"

She looked at Haruhi and Tamaki. "You are Haruhi Fujioka and Tamaki Suoh." She didn't phrase it as a question.

"Yeah, are you the one that requested us?"

She gave ever the slightest hint of a nod. "Come with me."

They followed her inside the building. Yomiko broke off from them with a single phrase, "I have stuff I have to do."

The girl led them to a table, upon which were set what appeared to be a number of personal items. "Sit," she said quietly. She took a seat on one side of the table, and Haruhi and Tamaki sat down on the other side.

They both stared at her as she examined them. Her face was completely expressionless, though her left hand itched at her shoulder constantly. They sat in silence for several minutes, before Haruhi spoke up, "so, why did you request us?"

"You recently had an encounter with a man referred to as Light Yagami. During your encounter with him, he attempted to kill the both of you."

"Um, yes?"

"He is not precisely who he claims to be."

"What, do you mean he was an imposter?"

"Nor that. I mean exactly what I said. He was not precisely Light Yagami."

Haruhi scratched her head. "I don't think I understand."

"The man you encountered had the same appearance, personality, memories, and abilities as the one known as Light Yagami. But you observed the inconsistency, did you not?"

"The…" Haruhi turned to Tamaki. "The fact that he was alive, despite having died at the end of his series?"

"Yes." The girl responded. "And after identifying and pointing out this inconsistency, Yagami instantly atomized, leaving behind no trace."

"How do you know all of this?"

"I have been observing you. And him. And many others."

Who are you?

She looked directly at Haruhi. "My name is Yuki Nagato."

Tamaki had a look of realization on his face, but said nothing. Haruhi continued, "so how do you know so much about Yagami?"

"The man you fought was a Shade."

"A Shade?"

"A being made to resemble a deceased person, modeled and suited from the data left over by the deceased. He was created and sent to eliminate you."

"But identifying the inconsistency—namely, that he was supposed to be dead—caused him to vaporize?"

"That is an incorrect summation of cause and effect. Identifying that paradox did indeed serve as a catalyst for his atomization. But it is not the direct cause."

"Then what is?"

"The one who sent the Shade after you feared that you would uncover the truth of its existence. Upon realizing that you had postmodern knowledge, they immediately eliminated Yagami, to prevent you uncovering any further information. They did not expect you to uncover your abilities so quickly."

"Abilities? You mean how Tamaki has suddenly become a walking encyclopedia of Anime?"

"Yes. Though you are likely not aware of it, you and Tamaki Suoh comprise two halves of what is referred to as the Hero of Knowledge."

Haruhi stared at Yuki. "What?"

"As the Hero of Knowledge, the two of you possess unique abilities in this Postmodern Space."

_**Shouldn't it be 'Heroes' of Knowledge? I would think that—GHACK!**_

Yuki spoke a brief string of rapid, indecipherable words, and Haruhi stared at her in amazement.

"Wait, you have the power to make those narrators shut up?"

"I can execute commands that give such a result. I do not think of the Postmodern interlocutors in a high regard."

Haruhi chuckled. "Okay, so what does being a Hero of Knowledge mean?"

"You two are two halves of the same ability. Tamaki Suoh possesses vast knowledge and information, the source of which is his interactions with Tamaki Suoh. You possess great wisdom and insight, though your access to it has not yet been unleashed."

"Right, I have to hear the name of someone I share a voice actor with, right?"

"No."

She blinked.

"Any mortal coexisting in this Postmodern Space has access to that ability; the ability to gain the memories of any other mortal with whom they share a common origin, invoked by the name of the corresponding mortal. But the abilities of Tamaki Suoh are different. You observed a point where Tamaki's abilities manifested in a divergent way, correct?"

"Right after he made physical contact with Yagami."

"Indeed. Half of Tamaki Suoh's abilities were unlocked when he made physical contact with Yagami. And what he uncovered was vast knowledge of the people who exist in Anime and Manga, among other sources."

"So what's the point of these abilities?"

Yuki suddenly stopped scratching her shoulder. "Eventually, you will need to make use of these abilities to stop her."

"Who's 'her'?"

"The person who raised Light Yagami as a Shade to eliminate you, and intends to do so to eliminate others in the near future."

"The entity known as The Shadow Queen."


	5. The One Where Everything is Explained

A Letter from 5h$ Au56lk3 l #$$ #^L#$%$ #$ ML#$ %MLRW %^L$%WK 543l wmlj^ %%$ EF MF 4r l4flmefsls gf sEfesJEF LE$ GF segserm gL$ ##M $#L^ LS F$L K FM G$L% G%L GMF GLK %$ GM RL#$GMRLDS$% 5SKL 5t%S $lre gkl54 lf 43l34fWL$F $W#WL#$ wLf4JL!#$%*^#$%^$*$#$%^&^%$#$%^&*^#$^*#%&*#$^*&%#$^&*&$#$%^&#%&*$#%^&#$^&$#$%&*$%^&*&%$%SQLINSERTTABLEAUTHORSNOTES^&*%#$%^&*^%#$^&*%$#$%&%$#$%^&#$^&%$%^&^%$#$%&*^%$#%$^&*$#$%&*%$#%^&*&%#%&*(*&%$#%&(

…

_…Okay, he's not here._

_Hi. My name is Haruhi Fujioka, and I'm a fictional character who's been forced to participate in this Nightmare. Of course, you probably know that, but regardless, I've managed to hack Xirema's computer so that I can warn you all about what's going to happen._

_See, I've gone ahead and taken a peek at some of his notes, and well… It's basically 20 kinds of horrible. There's nothing resembling a coherent, logical plot, the upcoming plot twist is stupid and most of you will have already predicted it, and… and… Oh god… Do you guys have any idea what he plans to make me do?_

_So, as a consequence, I have a simple request: STOP READING THIS. Please. There can't be any way Hatori Bisco intended for my likeness to be used this way._

_Oh god, he's coming back… Save me, ! You're my last hope!_

_- Haruhi Fujioka_

Loo-de-loo-de-lah-de-dah, time to submit this chapter without first proofreading it…

* * *

><p>"Where are all your companions, Miss Nagato?"<p>

Yuki remained expressionless. "My companions."

Haruhi leaned back as Tamaki continued his questioning. "You were a main character from a series of light novels centered around a girl named Haruhi Suzumiya. I would think that this "Shadow Queen" person could be easily defeated by someone with her powers, or yours."

"The being you call Haruhi Suzumiya was one of the first to be consumed by the Shadow Queen."

Tamaki looked visibly disturbed. "Is that even possible?"

"I was not present when the Shadow Queen first manifested, but I know factually that both Haruhi Suzumiya, and the man referred to as Kyon, were the first to be consumed by the Shadow Queen. By the time that I arrived to stop her, I was only able to witness the beings known as Mikuru Asahina and Itsuki Koizumi, cradled in each other's arms, being burned to death by her unholy powers."

Tamaki stared at Yuki. "So… So that means… God is dead."

Yuki shifted her eyes towards Tamaki. "I don't believe I understand your interjection. Though Haruhi Suzumiya was a being of great power, her being a god was only one of many interpretations of her abilities."

"Did someone call me?"

Yuki, Tamaki, and Haruhi all turned to face the nearby doors. Two girls walked towards them, dressed up in plain t-shirts and jeans. They appeared to be a few years younger than Haruhi. One girl had a round face with chestnut-colored hair reaching just part her ears, and wore a cheerful expression on her face. The other had a longer face with round glasses, and long black hair that reached past her shoulders. She had a neutral expression on her face and was occupied reading a large book.

Yuki didn't turn to face them. "It was nothing more than a reference drop, we don't need you, Yukko Aioi, Mai Minakami." She paused for a moment. "Not yet."

The cheerful chestnut-haired girl raised her hand and waved. "Okay, call us when you need us, Miss Nagato! Come on, Mai, let's go play rock-paper scissors!"

The two of them immediately left the room.

_**So, does that count as foreshadowing?**_

Yuki's hand twitched.

_**Ghkt!**_

Yuki lowered her hand. "Not likely."

Haruhi stood up. "Okay, so let me see if I understand what's going on. There's some bitch who calls herself the Shadow Queen, who is raising dead anime characters as Shades, to… What's she trying to accomplish?"

"I am unable to determine her motives. What I do know for certain is that the entirety of this Postmodern space is now at risk because of her actions. Though she can manipulate the Shades risen from characters who died prior to the end of the story from which they came, she has also made a habit of killing off other characters who were still alive when their stories concluded."

Haruhi began pacing around the table. "So here's the other thing that's bothering me. All of a sudden, we've gotten embroiled with characters from series completely separate from ours. Ostensibly, all of these other stories must have taken place in alternate universes from our own. But we haven't passed through any kind of gateway, or portal, or anything, and yet we're meeting all of you. So what I want to know is, did all of you just happen to come to our dimension, or did we get transported to your dimension without our knowledge?"

"Neither is strictly true. The Postmodern space we currently reside in isn't merely a technical term. This universe exists outside any one universe, and the earth of this universe has taken on the characteristics of every single fictional universe that exists, localized to the regions where each universe found its narrative focal point."

"So when were we transferred to this… alternate universe?"

"It's very difficult to make a determination as to when the conversion was made, but it is not unlikely that it occurred at the moment of the inception of the Shadow Queen."

Haruhi stopped pacing. "So I guess this is the big question."

Yuki stared at her with her cold eyes.

"How do we stop her?"

Yuki dipped her head. "It will take much more than we currently possess. You and Tamaki Suoh are the Hero of Knowledge. Your powers will be invaluable in helping defeat the Shadow Queen. But there are many other Heroes that will need to be amassed."

"Who are they?"

"I have yet to identify every category that we need. Some of these Heroes are a single entity, some are paired entities much like you and Tamaki Suoh, and a select few Heroes are comprised of several different entities acting in tandem. I have identified four classifications, other than your own, and have hypothesized that there could be as many as five others I do not yet know about." She paused again. "You, Haruhi Fujioka, and Tamaki Suoh, are the Hero of Knowledge."

"Right, you mentioned that."

"The two girls you just met are half of what is known as the Hero of Fabrication. One of the other two is a friend of theirs who is currently residing somewhere else in this facility, and the fourth is a young boy living in America. Another Hero is the Hero of Creativity. It is comprised of two young women who are living happily together in a countryside region outside the Kansai area. They do not yet know of their abilities, nor of the task that will soon be set for them."

Tamaki raised an eyebrow. "_Living Happily Together_?"

Yuki turned to face him. "Platonically."

"Oh. Okay."

"The fourth Hero I've identified is a young man conditioned to battle with the use of a large organic mechanized avatar. He is the Hero of Courage, and he too will need to be informed both of his role, and also of his hidden potential."

"What about the fifth hero?"

"The fifth Hero… The Hero of Purpose… was a young woman and man."

Haruhi felt a cold shiver down her spine. "Was… That is to say…"

"The beings known as Kyon and Haruhi Suzumiya. They were the Hero of Purpose."

Haruhi placed her hand on her forehead. "So one of the Heroes we're supposed to need to defeat the Shadow Queen is already dead. You know, I feel like that's going to prove a considerable barrier to our success. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's going to make it nearly impossible. In fact, I'm going to call it: I'm Haruhi Fujioka, we're in GOD KNOWS WHERE, and at GOD KNOWS WHEN, and it's official. We're royally FU—"

"It's not certain that our defeat is inevitable. The Shadow Queen is powerful, but not immortal. And furthermore, it may yet be possible to transfer the title of Hero of Purpose to a different set of individuals, though I have yet to determine any means of doing so."

Haruhi sighed. "Right. Okay. But what are we supposed to do? What does being the Hero of Knowledge mean?"

"Tamaki has access to a vest wealth of information regarding the origins and etymologies of many…"

"Yes, yes, that's fantastic. Really helpful. Except for, oh I don't know, I'm going to go with ANYTHING. What does him knowing about all these different characters do for us?"

Yuki stared at her with her cold eyes. "It is a waste of energy to get worked up."

"Sorry." Haruhi sat back down next to Tamaki.

"Tamaki's powers are yet incomplete, as his rely on exposure to many of these different characters, and it will be some time before his powers fully awaken. But yours, on the other hand, are already accessible."

"What powers?"

"Perhaps this would be an appropriate time to demonstrate. Tamaki Suoh, please extend out one hand. Haruhi Fujioka, you should be prepared to support your husband, should he pass out."

Tamaki looked frightened. "What's about to happen?"

"You need not worry. The side effects will be only temporary, and each time this happens, you'll recover faster and faster."

He timidly extended out his palm towards Yuki. She stood up and held out her own hand. Then, extending her index finger, she slowly lowered it to touch his palm. Tamaki immediately grew dizzy, but managed to stay upright. "What… Did you do to me?"

"I have performed no manipulation of data. The reaction is an aspect of your ability, brought out by your physical contact with me. Your ability, as the projection half of the Hero of Knowledge, is the aggregation and preparation of specialized data. Haruhi Fujioka, on the other hand, is the receptive half. She is able to take the data you provide her and process it into a functional form. Once you have stabilized your cognitive faculties, place your hand within hers."

"Tamaki, you alright?"

"Yeah." He turned to face Haruhi. They then held hands. "So what do we do now?"

"When you made physical contact with me, you should have obtained some additional data, regarding me and my abilities. This data is an exact copy of my combat data. What you will need to do is concentrate on that data, and Haruhi Fujioka will be able to receive that data from you. This transfer of data cannot be made permanent unless you perform it in a more intimate context, but for now, this will serve as a suitable demonstration."

Haruhi turned to face Yuki. "So wait, for my abilities to work properly, we'll need to…"

"Please focus on the task at hand."

Haruhi shrugged. "Alright. I guess. Probably gonna kill the romance though."

Tamaki closed his eyes. "The guy writing this is such a pervert." In a moment, Haruhi felt a surge of energy flow through her hands up her arms and into her chest, then radiating throughout the rest of her body. It stopped almost as quickly as it started, and Haruhi leaned back.

"As I mentioned, this method of transfer won't be permanent, but so long as the data remains within you, you'll be able to access it. You now have a copy of my combat data. If you access it, it will be superimposed upon your combat data."

Haruhi racked her brain for a moment, before she felt a presence she hadn't felt before. It was reminiscent of Yuki's presence, so she assumed it must be what Yuki was talking about. She prodded at it with her mind, and she felt a flash of energy. The next thing she knew, she felt very strange, as though she were acutely aware of every last detail of her surroundings.

Everything in around her, from the bodies of Tamaki and Yuki, to the structure of the building, had become intrinsic to her understanding.

Haruhi blinked a few times. "Nagato, what exactly are your abilities?"

"I have localized control over data."

Haruhi thought she understood, though she wasn't sure why. She looked at a door, and held out her hand. The door atomized instantly and began to reform itself in Haruhi's hand, though now it was no longer a door. The door had transformed into steel, and taken on the shape of a hoop. She frowned. "I was going for a polearm…"

"Mastery of these attributes will require time and practice. And you'll find that, however powerful my combat data is, it is not suited for every task. Thusly, it will be the task of you and Tamaki Suoh to acquire as many of these combat data schematics as you can, increasing your versatility." She paused. "Be careful though. Combat data like my own can be misused very easily. This is also true of the combat data you acquired from Light Yagami's Shade."

"We have Light Yagami's abilities?"

"Indeed, though his abilities come at a heavy cost, both intrinsic and literal. You may find it prudent to simply delete them."

Yuki arose from her seat silently and took the metal hoop from Haruhi's hands. She walked to the empty door frame and manipulated the door back into its original form. She then called through the door. "Yukko Aioi and Mai Minakami."

* * *

><p>The two girls from before appeared before them. "Yeah, Miss Nagato?"<p>

"I believe now is a good time to seek out the Hero of Creativity."

"Hey, when are we going to go to America to get our fourth?"

"It would be extremely dangerous to attempt to leave the country. The Shadow Queen has access to state data, and would be able to eliminate you without any trouble. We need to amass the Heroes local to Japan before we attempt to secure our international allies."

"Alright, let's go get Mio and…"

"Mio Naganohara needs to remain here for now. I have personal concerns for the state of her combat data, and it is important that we ensure that her combat data is practical and stable before we release her from this facility."

"Oh. Okay!"

Yuki began to walk back towards the entrance. Yukko and Mai followed closely behind her, and Haruhi and Tamaki, after shrugging towards each other, also followed.

In the entrance hall, they glimpsed Yomiko.

"Oh, are you two leaving again?"

Haruhi turned to face her. "All four of us are. We're off to find some others."

"Good luck then."

Tamaki developed a shrewd look on his face. "Hey, Miss Readman."

He broke off to stand in front of her and held out his hand. "Thank you for your assistance."

"Oh! Well, you're welcome!" She reached out and shook his hand. Tamaki appeared visibly fatigued. "Mr. Suoh, are you alright?"

"Just fine." He let go of her hand and turned back to catch up to Haruhi. He winked. "Hey, Readman, are we going to see you when we come back?"

"Possibly. I may have to go back to the new British Library."

"Oh… Okay."

Yuki now stood outside the facility, and had placed her hands on a large automobile. After a few moments, she turned back to face them. "I've modified this vehicle to provide cloaking from any of the Shadow Queen's methods of detecting you."

"Do we really have to do that?"

"Yes."

"Hey, Miss Readman said she was going home soon. Isn't she going to be in danger?"

"She isn't one of the Heroes. It is very unlikely the Shadow Queen will be spying on her actions."

"Ah."

"There are two things you should probably know, before you depart."

Haruhi looked at Tamaki and then back at Yuki.

"The first is that you will likely attempt to be deceived by a Shade of the Shadow Queen. So it is important that you understand how to determine whether someone is a Shade or the real person." She knelt down to the ground. "The most obvious sign is if they are already dead, in which case you should know for certain that the entity is a Shade. Next is that the person in question will likely exhibit wildly deviant behavior from their normal state from the source material. But even that aspect can be suppressed, so there's one back-up method that will prove absolutely accurate, should you be faced with the prospects of a particularly convincing Shade."

She stood up again, with a small pocket knife in her hand. She held out her hand, and with the knife, slid the blade across her pinky finger. Her face displayed no sign of pain, but her hand did shiver a little as she did so. A single red streak formed on her pinky, and blood began to well at the corner of the cut. A single drop fell from her hand. "Shades will not bleed. They are nothing more than avatars of the Shadow Queen with the suit of a human sewn atop. Cutting such a creature will instead yield forth the same energy you witnessed when Light Yagami's Shade was relinquished."

Haruhi nodded. "Okay, so first thing, figure out whether someone I'm talking to is a Shade or not."

"The second important piece of data is what makes the first important." She blinked. "The Shadow Queen sees and hears everything a Shade sees and hears. Which means, in a manner of speaking, she knows everything they've learned. So ensure that you say nothing of importance to anyone until you ensure that they are not a shade. That includes your boss, any of your prior friends, and…" Her eyes swiveled to the facility. "Yomiko Readman."

"She's a shade?"

"That is not a fact. What is a fact is that I have not attempted to ascertain one way or the other."

"… Right."

"I do not intend to make use of this facility for much longer. I've commissioned a safehouse that will serve our needs more effectively. But for now, this is a suitable place to return to once you have found and recovered the Hero of Creativity."

Yuki turned around and began walking back inside the facility.

Tamaki leaned on Haruhi. "Was that good bye?"

"I guess. She's pretty strange."

"Hey, Miss Fujioka!"

Yukko had approached Haruhi. "Are you driving?"

"Don't you guys know where we're going?"

"Yeah, but…" She grinned and placed her hand on her back. "Neither of us are 18 yet."

"… Right. So who exactly are we looking for?"

Mai looked up from her book. "Two women about your age."

"What are they like?"

Yukko shrugged. "Well, we're not sure, but… I bet the Narrators could cut to them and show us something!"

Haruhi blinked. "Well?"

**WELL WHAT?**

"You gonna do that scene cut?"

**OH. NOW YOU WANT OUR HELP. WELL WHOOP DEE DOO.**

Haruhi clutched her fist. "… This really isn't the time."

**AH, RIGHT. CLEARLY, I'M THE TYPE WHO WILL TAKE COUNTLESS VERBAL ABUSES, AND THEN I'M SUPPOSED TO JUST DO WHAT YOU SAY. SURE.**

Haruhi grinned. "Tamaki, could you give me Nagato's power again?"

_**Augh! Okay, okay, we'll do it!**_

**YOU'RE JUST GOING TO CAVE?**

_**You haven't been attacked by that voodoo! It really hurts!**_

**FINE, FINE.**

"See, I think we're going to get along just fine…"

**AHEM: MEANWHILE, IN THE OUTSKIRTS OF THE KANSEI REGION…**

* * *

><p><strong>HERE, WE SEE A YOUNG WOMAN IN A FLOWERY SKIRT AND A LARGE STRAW HAT, WITH A FLOWER ON THE HAT.<strong>

The girl had what appeared to be a permanent soft smile on her face. She was carrying a basket full of bread. She had very wide eyes, long, straight hair, and a petite figure. She walked, occasionally skipping, towards a small townhome.

She was humming an upbeat tune, attempting to match her strides to her humming. She wasn't very good at it. But even if she screwed it up, she'd simply giggle and pick up where she messed up.

Reaching the home, she began to reach for her keys. Except she didn't seem to know where they were. Her demeanor became increasingly worried as she began to check every square inch of her clothes for her keys.

"Uhm… Ah… Where did I…"

Suddenly, the door opened for her. A young woman with stylized, short black hair greeted her with a grin on her face. "You left your keys here, Ayumu."

The girl grinned. "Thanks Tomo!"


	6. The One Where Part 5 Explained Nothing

A Letter From the Author

Beneath my propensity for bizarre, thoughtless storytelling lies a rather curious artifact, something that I haven't seen in a long time, nor had a use for in longer. To the extent that finding it caused me to almost throw it away instinctively. I'm still not using it; as I said, I have no need for it. But I've decided to keep it around, for some reason I haven't yet identified.

Hang on, let me look it up on Wikipedia, I think this thing is called… "Artistic Integrity."

...?

Anyways.

- Xirema the Irreplacable

* * *

><p>"So what exactly are your powers, as the Hero of Fabrication?"<p>

Yukko thought for a moment. "Well, uh… It's kind of hard to explain."

Haruhi stretched, despite the limited space inside the car. "We've got time."

"Okay. So, you know all those weird over-the-top Anime reactions that are natural to shows like ours?"

"Right, sure."

"Well, we basically make them real. Like, if we get caught up in a really exciting chase scene, we can actually run upwards of a hundred Km/h. Or like, if someone gets really pissed off, they can actually weaponize the steam bursting from their ears. Like that. And each of us have small differences. My abilities require me to be really active and taunting, and Mai has to act in small bursts."

"So what about your friend?"

Yukko grinned. "Her side is incredible. She drew a lot of manga before we got caught up in all of this, so consequently, she actually has to invent new over-the-top reactions. Miss Nagato said that each of the Hero abilities are based on who they are as a character, and how they acted and behaved in the respective Novels, Manga, and Anime that they originated from."

"So… The girls that we previewed with the help…"

**COERSION.**

"…Compliant help of the narrators…" Haruhi said with a devious grin on her face.

Tamaki raised his hand. "They looked like lead characters in a shojo-ai manga! That doesn't explain why they're the Hero of Creativity…"

Yukko and Haruhi looked at Tamaki with a blank look.

"Oh, uh, shojo-ai is the term that westerners use for Yuri, and since this story is being told in English, I assumed the audience would understand it better if I used that term."

Mai suddenly put her book down. "Oh."

Ignoring her, Haruhi bereted Tamaki. "But no one even knows Shojo-ai! The vast majority of western anime nerds just use 'Yuri' anyways! Wait, that's not the point! Why would you think they were a lesbian pair?"

"Well, the one girl is fulfilling the easily-forgetful role, and the other is the reprimanding type. All they need is a more mature-looking girl for the reprimanding girl to play a Boke-Tsukommi routine off of, and they'd have a classic love triangle."

"Of girls."

"Well what's wrong with that?"

"Huh?" Haruhi leaned up to Tamaki. "You used to get so pissed off whenever those Lobelia girls showed up and tried to turn me les, why are you suddenly cool with it?"

Tamaki grinned sheepishly, and said, "well, in my defense, I was still in denial over the fact that I was slowly falling in love with you. Now that that's all over with, I'm perfectly okay with gay people!"

Haruhi glanced at the whimpering fourth wall, and spoke as an aside, "I wonder if there's a political statement to be made here…"

"Yuk-ko." Mai said quietly.

Haruhi scuffed up her hair. "Ugh, I'm still getting distracted, none of that is the point! Nagato said that the two girls were living platonically with each other. Doesn't that pretty much imply that there's nothing romantic going on between them?"

Tamaki began to chuckle. "Oh Haruhi-sweetheart, you're so smart, and yet you don't grasp these most basic of concepts. It's called, forbidden fruit!" He leaned back and, for the first time since this accursed series took root, Tamaki began one of his infamous over-the-top fantasy sequences.

"_It begins with the two girls harboring an incredible fascination with each other. They regard the other as being so great at so many different things that they idolize being close friends. Eventually, they try to work together on various projects, but suddenly find themselves confused as their hearts flutter in each other's presence. Then, one late night working together on their homework, they sit just a little too close to each other, and are unable to resist before…_"

Haruhi leaned back against the window as Tamaki continued in his tirade. "Hey girls, watch this." she cleared her throat, and shouted, as loudly as she could, "FLCL WAS AN OVERRATED SERIES!"

Tamaki stopped mid-rant to stare at Haruhi in horror. "EEEEEEEEEHHHHH?"

"Alright, he's back."

"Oh. It was… It was just a joke… Don't ever scare me like that again!" He leaned back. "Maybe that was too much. But Azumanga Daioh does have a precedent."

"Oh?"

"Kaori. Though she was never outed as gay, the subtext, and indeed context, of her appearances all but confirmed her orientation towards that tall girl. And the series that came after Daioh used much the same mechanism. Lucky star, being the parody of Otaku culture, had Konata make oblique advances towards her best friend, and then there was you girls."

Yukko and Mai, who were engrossed in what appeared to be a serious conversation, turned to Tamaki. "Huh?"

"Well, there was that time that Mai pretended to come out to you."

Mai had what could be called a very slight hint of a smile on her face as Yukko blushed and turned towards the dashboard of the car with an embarrassed look on her face. "Not my finest moment." Mai prodded Yukko on the back. "Yeah yeah, I know…"

Haruhi sighed. "Alright, but Nagato seems pretty knowledgeable on the subject. Speaking of which, we should really investigate that. We know she's not a shade, but that doesn't change the fact that she knows a lot without for someone that doesn't have your powers."

Tamaki shrugged.

**COULD I INTERJECT?**

Haruhi placed a hand on her forehead in frustration. "Proceed."

**YOU ALL SUCK.**

"Tamaki! I need—"

"Mrs. Fujioka."

They turned to face Mai. "What?"

"Who's driving the car?"

Haruhi sat behind the driver's seat. Mai and Yukko were sitting next to each other next to Haruhi, and Tamaki was in the passenger side seat.

They sat there for almost a minute.

Haruhi began slamming her head into the seat in front of herself. "Goddamn it guys."


	7. Yes, I Know That's Not the Translation

A Letter From the Author

It's often been a query of mine to attempt to experiment with the various implementations of narrative delivery. With all regards to how the demographic responds to these implementations, of course, but additionally with concern and concentration upon the actual artistic merits of these implementations.

Or, described in a manner that doesn't make people attempt to strangle me in my sleep:

I like to screw with the audience.

It would be a much more impressive statement if that weren't the default state of nearly every single writer working the mainstream right about now.

Hmm.

Remember when these segments were funny?

Neither do I.

-Xirema the Unfunny

* * *

><p><strong>AND SO WE FIND OURSELVES AT THE JOINT HOUSING CURRENTLY HOUSING THE TWO GIRLS FIRST ALLUDED TO TWO CHAPTERS AGO. HOPEFULLY WE-<strong>

"Hold up!" Haruhi, who was currently bewildered, raised her hand.

…**WHAT?**

"I thought we ended the last chapter in the car, not even having gone anywhere!"

_**Well, I think the author wanted to just move things along. I mean, we're now seven chapters in, and barely anything has happened! I mean, we spent the last two chapters just faffing about, and I think...**_

"Right right, so what we now know is that the author is a lazy bastard. Alright, just wanted an explanation."

Tamaki looked up at the night sky. "What time is it?"

"Dude, I don't even know what day it is. We flew to the facility in the middle of the night, and somehow we managed to get here, and it's apparently nighttime. So either we have been getting from place to place within hours of each other, or we somehow lost an entire 20 hours on a single car trip."

The other two girls exited the car. Yukko stretched out restlessly. "Man, I bet if any of us actually experienced that car ride, it would have been really cramped!"

"... Yeah, that." Haruhi looked up at the sky for a brief moment. "Hey, when did you two get picked up, anyways?"

"Hmm?" Yukko turned to face Haruhi.

"Like, we got called there by Nagato through Readman. So how did you guys get picked up by Nagato?"

"Oh, she came to us. Apparently, when the postmodern space first started forming, we were the first Hero that Nagato was able to identify. Though... I don't think she knew about the shades yet. That was about a month ago."

Haruhi raised an eyebrow. "A month ago?"

"Yeah, she explained almost everything to us, so if you need to know anything, just ask Mai!"

Mai looked up and blinked. "... Huh?"

"That... That's great."

No one spoke for a few seconds, and this pause allowed just enough time for a soft voice, singing a song in the distance.

"_If I had just one wish_

_I'd wish for wings_

_That would take me far,_

_Far away from here..._"

The four of them turned towards the source of the singing, and they saw a young woman with long, straight black hair walking towards them.

She walked towards them and stopped in front of them, staring directly at Haruhi.

Haruhi looked at her.

She continued to stare at Haruhi with a curious look on her face.

"Um,hel-"

"Hi!"

Haruhi was cut off by the woman's sudden exclamation, shortly after which they continued to stare at each other.

Then...

"What's your name?" Said as though a declaration by the woman.

"Uh, Haruhi Fujioka. And you?"

"Ayumu Kasuga!" She closed her eyes and smiled. "Nice to meet you!"

"Uh, right... So you would be..."

As though suddenly forgetting about them, she attempted to pass them and make her way towards the townhouse they had parked in front of. "Oh, uh, you're blocking the way to my home. Could you..."

Suddenly, without warning, the girl's pupils dilated and she backed away, throwing her arms in front of her in a defensive stance. "Ack! Wait! Could it be... You're with the yakuza!"

"I... what?"

The woman appeared frightened. "I don't have any money on me, but uh..."

"We're not here for that!"

Her eyes widened further and she backed away again. "Eeeh? Then... That means... You must be here for..." She backed up against the wall, and a resigned look appeared on her face. "I... Fine... you can have my body, but please be gentle with me..."

"WH... We... No!"

"What?" She suddenly appeared upset. "Okay, fine, just put me out first!"

"We're not here to hurt you!"

As quickly as it had come on, her terror transformed into relief, and then cheerfulness. "Oh, that's good. I didn't want to wear a red dress, I had too many red clothes in school."

"And we're not blocking the way to your house, There's almost two meters of clearance!"

"Oh, but um..." She started waving her hands. "Right, but see, I figured that if you _were_ Yakuza, that you'd attempt to trick me by making it look like I could just pass through!" She grinned, as though she had thought of something brilliant.

"Okay, but why would you think we were Yakuza?"

She put a finger up to her chin. "I'm... Not quite sure, actually."

Tamaki approached her. "So you're the girl called Osaka, right?"

Osaka flinched when he said that. "Whaaaaaat? How did you know that? Aw man, I thought I'd finally gotten people to stop calling me that..."

**SEEING AS HOW THE AUTHOR SEEMS DETERMINED TO USE THE NAME OSAKA, I CAN'T HELP BUT IMAGINE THAT THIS REVELATION IS GOING TO PROVE BOTHERSOME FOR AN UNDETERMINED PERIOD OF TIME.**

"Yeah, I think it's time for you to go away. You've been showing up a little too often."

Osaka sighed. "I guess you can call me that if it makes it easier. So why are you all here?"

Tamaki smirked. "You're Osaka, and right now, you're living with a girl called Tomo Takino, correct?"

"Oh! Wait, that means, you are your companions are heroes trying to save the world, and you need our help!"

"... Eh?"

Osaka tilted her head. "Am I wrong?"

"Well, no, but... How did you figure that out?"

"Well..." She raised her hand again and began to draw a diagram in the air. "See, you said you weren't yakuza before, and I trust you, because you wouldn't lie about that. But you also know a whole bunch about me and my flatmate, which means you've been spying on us this whole time! But you said you're not bad people so I bet you were spying on us to make sure no one hurt us! And the fact that someone would means that you've been betrayed by the government at some point, who you got your information from, and now that you've realized what you must do, you've come to me to get our help!"

"That... I don't..."

"I'm correct, I must be correct! See, these things usually work out where the heroes come seek out the hero that they haven't acquired yet, and they attempt to solicit their help, but the hero initially distrusts them, and then-"

"TOMO KICK!"

Before anyone understood what was happening, Haruhi found herself on the receiving end of a light-weight woman kicking her in the back with both feet. She landed in front of Osaka, eternally greatful that the ground was comprised of dirt and grass, and not the pavement on which she had stood moments prior.

"Haruhi!" Tamaki began to run towards Haruhi.

"Tomo! What have you done?"

The woman stood up on Haruhi's back. "What's that, Ayumu?"

"You've killed one of the heroes!"

"I'm... Not dead... Yet..."

"I have no idea what you're saying or talking about, but you need not worry, Ayumu! I'll save you from these thugs!"

Haruhi raised her hand. "At the risk of getting kicked again, I'd like to ask a question."

"Oh?"

"Well, two actually. The second is to ask why you thought we were thugs, but really, that's ancillary, and low in priority, compared to my first and foremost concern which is, COULD YOU GET THE HELL OFF OF ME?"

Haruhi stood up, toppling the new woman off of her and examining the dirt that had now collected on her clothes. "Ugh, this is gonna take forever to remove."

Yukko approached her. "Oh, don't worry, this is easy."

"Hmm?"

She reached her hand back, and then swung it back forwards at high speed, slapping Haruhi on the back. Dramatically, and with a sound effect that sounded mostly like slapping someone on the back, the mud caked on Haruhi's clothes propelled itself forwards, leaving behind her inexplicably clean clothes.

Haruhi winced from the pain. "Ow..."

"There, see! Clean clothes!"

Haruhi made an aside glance. "Is this going to be a recurring theme this chapter?"

* * *

><p>"So, basically, so far as we know, there's someone called the Shadow Queen, and we're not really sure what she wants, but her agenda poses an existential threat to the world. A girl called Yuki Nagato gathered us, and instructed us to gather other Heroes to help defeat the Shadow Queen, of which you and Tomo are one."<p>

"Oh, that makes sense. So which heroes are we?"

"Eh, you and Tomo are one Hero. The Hero of Creativity."

"Shouldn't it be 'heroes'?"

"Apparently not. Even though it's the both of you, you're just one Hero."

"Oh, that makes sense."

"... Does it..."

"So what's our powers?"

"No idea. My Husband and I are the Hero of Knowledge, and we can take the natural superpowers of our peers and copy them. These two-"

Yukko raised her hand with one arm, and raised Mai's arm with the other. "Hi there!"

"- are half of the Hero of Fabrication. They seem to have powers related to being characters in a surrealist anime/manga. So there's really only a vague trend telling us how these powers work."

"Oh, okay."

The room grew quiet. Haruhi and Tamaki were sat down next to each other on one side of the heated table. Yukko and Mai were on another side, and Osaka and Tomo were on the third and fourth sides.

Finally, Tomo threw her hands down on the table. "So let me see if I have this straight, you're saying we get crazy awesome superpowers?"

"That's pretty much the gist of it, though it comes with the caveat that our world has been plunged into danger at the same time."

"Eh, I decline!"

"What?"

"Superpowers would be cool, but I like my world, you know, existing."

"It... It's not a choice. You have abilities of unknown etymology, and the world IS in danger. You can't just refuse those abilities and save the world. Doesn't work like that."

"Question."

They turned to Osaka. "What?"

"Does this explain where all my underwear has gone?"

Haruhi tilted her head and her mouth hung open. "I... This..." She sighed. "No, Kasuga, it doesn't explain where your underwear has gone."

Tamaki also got a serious look on his face. "Wait, your underwear has gone missing too?"

They all turned to look at him.

"Yes! Now, I've been formulating a theory. See, I started losing pieces right around when me and Tomo moved into this house. I think that what's happening is that they're being stolen by... The Underpants Gnomes!"

Tamaki had an incredulous look on his face. "Oh my god! That's exactly what I've suspected!"

Haruhi grinned. "You know, I'd love to keep pushing to see how quickly the website will mandate that the content rating be upgraded on this story, but we should probably talk about something important, like figuring how your abilities."

Mai, at that moment, chose to emit a very loud yawn.

"Or, I suppose we could discuss it in the morning."

"Sounds like a plan!" exclaimed Tomo.

"I hate to impose, but do you have any room for us to stay?"


	8. Suddenly, a Wild Plot Appears!

A Letter From the Author

_One day Xirema wrote a Fan Fic,  
><em>_An act largely seen as an experiment,  
><em>_But one day it went wrong,  
><em>_And the readers had the author hung,  
><em>_And no one knew where the plot went._

… No?

Okay, how about this:

_I've now begun to worry,  
><em>_about these poems that are quite slurry,  
><em>_This was a terrible idea  
><em>_to waste your time with this area,  
><em>_So why don't you all just read the damn story._

-Xirema the Unsyncopated.

* * *

><p>"Just put it on, Tamaki."<p>

"I don't wanna."

"We're staying at someone else's house, you need to wear it."

"Don't. Wanna."

"Tamaki, you're behaving like a child!"

"Well, would a child do this? LALALALALALALALALALALA…"

"Tamaki…"

The door slid open. "Hey, do you guys need…"

Osaka stood in the door frame, looking not-quite-awake, with a bag of laundry slung over her shoulder. Haruhi was standing in the back corner of the room, with a pair of male trousers in one hand and Tamaki's hair in her other hand. Tamaki had yet to get dressed.

"Um…"

Osaka tilted her head, looking confused. "Where's Tamaki? I thought I heard him in here."

Haruhi blinked at her.

Tamaki said, bewildered, "I'm right here!"

Osaka got a startled look on her face. "Where did that come from?"

Haruhi stared at her. _Is she blind?_ "He's right here, in front of me."

Osaka's eyes widened. "He can turn invisible? I didn't know he could do that! That's so cool!" She took on her usual cheerful expression. "Well, good job learning how to do that! Anyways, I was gonna ask if you needed an extra pair of clothes, but I guess you don't!" She then left the room.

Haruhi and Tamaki looked at each other. "That's a very strange girl."

Once dressed, (Haruhi took the opportunity to dress him before he could resist) they walked out into the dining area. Yukko and Mai were playing a game in the corner of the room, and Osaka was humming to herself in front of the mat, while Tomo stood in the kitchen.

"Hey guys!" Tamaki said cheerfully to Yukko and Mai. Yukko waved back energetically, and Mai simply raised her hand in a single wave. He then sat down next to them to inquire into the game they were playing. Haruhi walked towards Tomo. "Hey, Tomo."

"Yo!"

"Your friend, Osaka, is she okay?"

"Oh, Ayumu? She's just a little off, but she's fine!"

"Well, it's just… She walked into the room while I was getting Tamaki dressed, and she seemed to be unable to see him, like at all. She thought he was invisible."

"Oh, he was naked?"

Haruhi blinked. "How… Okay. I'm sure there's some kind of logic here I'm not getting, but I'm not sure I want to know."

"Oh, it's nothing like that. She just has this weird idea that if you wear fewer clothes, you become stealthier. So she logically deduced that if you were naked, you'd be invisible! So now, if someone's naked, she actually can't see them."

"I… But… What… How does…" She paused for a moment. "I'm just trying to imagine the mental gymnastics required to make that make any kind of sense."

"I think she heard it from a web comic once."

"Oh, that's all we needed. A girl whose bizarre brain waves are getting further warped by the perverts that lurk on the internet."

Tomo shrugged. "HEY! So you said we get superpowers of some kind. So how do we get them?"

"I supposed it's good you're eager. But I'm not sure. I guess the logical next step would be to return to Nagato and have her explain everything."

At that moment, the doorbell rang. Osaka leapt up. "Oh, I bet that's Chiyo!"

Haruhi looked at Tamaki. "Chiyo?"

"Elementary school-aged girl that was prominent in their series. Though, seeing as how they're all much older than they were when Azumanga Daioh took place, I'd imagine she'd be a young woman by now."

Osaka opened the door to reveal precisely that: A young woman with long orange hair that ran down her back. She had Tomo's physique, though appeared to be slightly shorter and skinnier. She had a basket with food in it. She had a large smile on her face, but it quickly vanished when she saw that the room had a large number of people present. "Oh wow… Hello everyone…"

Osaka reached behind her back and grinned sheepishly. "Yeah, we had a few people visit us. You don't mind, do you?"

She stared at Tamaki, then at Haruhi. Then she turned to Osaka and smiled again. "Of course not! I brought plenty!"

"Hooray!" Osaka pointed at the others. "The tall girl is called Haruhi Fujioka, and the guy is her husband. His name is Tamaki."

"Hi! We're Mai and Yukko! Bet you can't guess which is which!" Yukko said, with a large grin on her face.

"Um, I guess you would be Yukko?"

Yukko had a crestfallen look on her face. "Oh, I guess you figured it out…"

Tamaki had a weird look on his face, but still smiled and addressed her. "So do you cook for these two?"

"Well yeah! I mean, Ayumu's the kind of person who probably wouldn't cook well for herself, you know? And Tomo's so clumsy that she's not even legally allowed near a lit stove!"

Tomo leaned up against Chiyo. "That doesn't stop me from trying though!"

Both Osaka and Chiyo developed nervous grins when she said that.

* * *

><p>"So how have the Sakaki's been?"<p>

"I'm not sure, I haven't heard from either Kaori or Sakaki since the honeymoon. Kind of hard, you know. I mean, they had to move away from Japan to get married, so it's hard to get in touch with them. But I guess they're doing well."

"Oh, so Kaori finally got out of the closet?" Tamaki said, interestedly.

Osaka leaned back in her chair. "Yep."

Chiyo leaned on her hand. "I never saw it coming though."

Osaka patted Chiyo's head. "Well, you were a young'un at the time. It's no wonder you didn't see it!"

Chiyo smiled. "So Mrs. Fujioka, you're a lawyer?"

"Well, I was, but since getting caught up in this, I doubt I'll still have a job by the time I return."

"Getting caught up in what?"

All of them except for Chiyo immediately became slightly dour.

"Oh, don't worry about it. I'd hate to depress you."

"Okay!" She turned to Tamaki. "Mr. Suoh, what do you do?"

"I mostly stay at home. Sometimes I help my family deal with latent psychological issues, but Haruhi is the one who makes all the money."

Haruhi dropped her chopsticks on the plate. Yukko turned to her. "You alright, Haruhi?"

She smiled. "I'm fine. Just thinking about something."

"So what about you two?"

Yukko looked up from her food. "Well, Mai, our friend Mio, and I had just graduated from High School, but we haven't found any jobs. I think Mio was working trying to make money off her doujinshi, but I don't know how that's turned out."

"That's pretty cool."

"Miss Mihama."

Chiyo turned to Haruhi. "Yes?"

"There's a question I'd like to ask you: How did you know that my husband had a different surname from me?"

The atmosphere changed immediately. Osaka and Tomo appeared very confused, but Tamaki and Yukko were both now looking at Chiyo with a look of suspicion. Mai had frozen in place and had turned her eyes to look at Chiyo.

Chiyo blinked. Then she smiled. "What are you talking about? That's how you guys introduced yourselves."

"No we didn't. We didn't state Tamaki's surname. Osaka only gave mine. So how could you have known that name if we never told you, and this is the first time we've ever met?"

"I… I'm not sure, that's really weird…" She now appeared visibly nervous.

"Yeah, it is pretty weird. Tomo. Osaka. Do you guys have any pins?"

"In the drawer, I think. Why?"

Chiyo stood up. "Um, maybe I should just leave…"

Before anyone knew what had happened, Mai vanished from her spot and reappeared behind Chiyo. Her arms went around her's, and Chiyo was restrained.

"Hey, what are you…?"

Tomo and Osaka both stood up startled. "What are you guys doing?"

Haruhi didn't look at them. "Tomo, Osaka, I think Chiyo might be a shade."

"What?" Osaka looked physically pained to hear that. "But I thought you said that the person had to be dead for the Shadow Queen to make shades of them!"

"Well, we'll know for certain in a moment. Tomo, we need a pin."

Chiyo began to struggle. "Let go of me!"

"Miss Mihama. If you're not a shade, then you don't need to worry. We just need to make a small prick on your finger. It's no worse than a glucose meter."

"I… I don't know what you're talking about!"

Osaka ran to the kitchen and returned with a small wall tack. Haruhi took it in her hand. "Just hold still, Miss Mihama. Once we know the truth, we'll let you go."

"I… no!"

Haruhi leaned down towards Chiyo, but found that Chiyo was struggling too much. Sighing deeply, Haruhi stood back up and focused for a second. She then pointed her hand at a stack of papers on the counter. The papers flew up and wrapped themselves around Chiyo's hand, binding her to the wall, leaving only a small corner of her pinky finger visible. "This will be over in just a moment." And with a slow motion, Haruhi drove the tack into the skin.

She then removed it.

There was a soft hissing sound, and a violet light shone forth from under the wound.

* * *

><p>The young girl stopped struggling, and began to chuckle deeply. "I should have just done this from the start, you already had it figured out anyways." The Shade, bearing the appearance of Chiyo Mihama, looked up at Haruhi, and produced the most diabolical of grins. Haruhi leapt back as a bubble of energy formed around her body, and then exploded.<p>

The explosion took out the front of the house, but a quickly erected barrier from Haruhi protected the others from the blast. "Come on guys, let's get outside, we'll be able to mitigate the damage here!"

Tamaki ran behind Osaka and Tomo and ushered them outside, while Yukko and Mai followed Haruhi. Mere seconds after they emerged from the dust, the Shade leapt out and landed in the street with a sickening crack emitting from the pavement.

Haruhi approached it cautiously. "Who are you?"

It looked up at Haruhi. "I'm the shade of Chiyo Mihama. You know that."

"That's not what I mean. Are you the Shadow Queen, or some kind of projection of her? Or just some kind of artificial soul taking on the form of Chiyo?"

"Well, I would seriously doubt that I were the Shadow Queen. Surely if she were so terrifying, she wouldn't need to take the form of a young woman."

"Just answer the question."

It smiled. "I am the soul of Chiyo Mihama, twisted and corrupted to the service of the great Shadow Queen. Her power is the power of God itself, and it is by her hand that I am here before you today."

"So what happens to Chiyo if we kill you?"

"Good question. I guess her soul would finally be at peace. So I guess it's the same as killing a zombie. But that would require you to kill me!"

It leapt at Haruhi. She threw up another projected barrier. "Tamaki! Keep Osaka and Tomo safe! Mai, Yukko, what can you guys do to help?"

Mai nodded at Haruhi and pulled a carving knife out of her pocket. She gripped it with both hands and drove it into the ground. Then, in a fast motion, she pulled her hands up, and the ground itself seemed to follow her hands into the air. Then, she separated her hands, and revealed that she was now holding two semi-automatic pistols in her hands. A second swipe at the ground procured ammunition. "I'm ready." She took aim at the shade, and began to fire.

The shade evaded Mai's attacks, and began to make its way towards her. Yukko leapt up into the air, and began to kick downwards towards the Shade. The shade dodged this attack, but Yukko was prepared for this, and they immediately began to fight each other furiously. The fight actually slowed down into a slow-motion sequence, and Haruhi took a moment to realize that it was only Yukko and the shade who had been affected. She immediately began to look around for paper she could turn into a weapon, while the others fought.

The sequence currently was such that Yukko would attempt to attack the shade, it would dodge, and then if the shade attempted to return an attack, Mai would spring up behind the shade and aim a shot. In one such sequence, Yukko reached out and caught the bullet that missed the shade, and immediately flung it, at the same velocity, back towards the shade.

"You guys are clever! But the Shadow Queen is all powerful, and so am I!" The shade leapt onto the roof of the Kasuga-Takino household, and summoned two orbs of purple energy in her hands, and began to aim them at Yukko and Mai. They shot out large beams of energy that tore up the ground where they struck. Mai vanished from her location and continued to evade and reappear behind the Shade. Yukko bobbed and weaved around the beam, making her way towards the shade.

Then, large spears made from paper appeared in the air, and hurled themselves towards the shade. It had one look of shock before its attempts to dodge failed, and several of the spears penetrated its chest, pinning it to the ground.

Haruhi approached the shade as it began to corrode at the points where it was struck. "Hey."

The shade turned to face her. "Very clever, girl. Well, I guess that's the end. I'm not nearly as strong as some other shades, though, so prepare yourself!"

"Uh huh. Just one question."

"Tch. Of course you'd be asking questions."

"Who is the Shadow Queen? Everyone so far has been a well-known character from some popular Anime series. So it would stand to reason that she would be just as big a character, right? So who is she?"

"Heh. You really want to know? Fine. She's perhaps one of the biggest characters anyone has heard of, it's—"

The shade stopped talking, because the next moment, its head was obliterated into a thousand shards of energy by a single gunshot.

Haruhi turned to Mai. "Hey, what was that for?"

Mai shook her head and pointed towards the street.

A young man wearing a blue school jacket around a white shirt and black pants approached them, holding the offending firearm in his hand. A confident grin was on his face, and his eyes were full of vitriol.

Tamaki shrunk backwards. "That's… That's…!"

The man spread his hands. "Yep. I too am a shade of the Shadow Queen. Though you might know me as Kyon, or John Smith."

Haruhi's eyes widened. "Him? But he was…" She thought for a moment, remembering what Yuki had said about Kyon and Haruhi Suzumiya, how they had been some of the earliest kills by the Shadow Queen. And also how they had been the Hero of Purpose. _He can be turned into a Shade?_

"I know why you're looking at me like that, but yes. I too can be a shade." He sighed dispassionately. "Unfortunately, I'm not in much position to attack you guys. It would be foolish to attack you without the lovely Haruhi Suzumiya by my side." He smirked. "Yes, she's a shade too. And we both have the powers of the Hero of Purpose. So don't think you're in any position to fight us together. Just needed to clean up a runt who was getting close to revealing too much."

Haruhi slung a whip of paper towards him. But the shade easily evaded the attack and retreated to a far distance. "You can't stop the Shadow Queen! Continue to believe otherwise if you wish, but it is inevitable! Good bye, Hero of Knowledge!"

A car immediately drove past him, and in that moment, he vanished.

_**So I guess we're not in this chapter…**_


	9. Cerberus, Destroyer of Worlds

…

-Xirema the Solemn

* * *

><p>None of the girls (or Tamaki) spoke the entire car trip back to the facility. Both Osaka and Tomo appeared pale, and Osaka at least seemed especially perturbed by the revelation of Chiyo's fate. Mai and Yukko had fallen asleep, and Tamaki was distracted by the passing surroundings: at some point dense cityscapes, and in other regions more rural.<p>

Which left only Haruhi, ruminating on the facts as she understood them.

_**So what's she thinking about?**_

**IF I WERE TO CONJECTURE, IT WOULD HAVE TO BE ON THE IMPLICATIONS OF THE HERO OF PURPOSE HAVING BEEN TURNED INTO A SHADE. I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S A BIG DEAL.**

Haruhi clutched her head with one hand, keeping her other on the steering wheel. "Not helping, guys."

_**Sorry.**_

Eventually, they arrived just in time to see the front doors being kicked open with a loud "bang" of noise. A young girl with blue hair strode forth from the doors, with a furious look on her face. They could easily make out her words as she yelled back towards the doors: "TO HELL WITH THIS! I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS BULLCRAP! JUST DO IT WITHOUT ME!"

Yukko was snapped awake by the outburst, and she ran towards the girl. "Hey, Mio, are you—"

"Leave me alone, Yukko," was all she said, before running off.

Yukko prepared to give chase, but Mai grabbed her by the shoulder and shook her head.

Haruhi stared off at the retreating girl before turning back to see Yuki at the doors, also watching Mio leave.

"Hey, Miss Nagato. What's going on?"

Yuki turned to her. "You are not shades?"

"I…" Haruhi sighed, called up Readman's power, and used a slip of paper in her pocket to slit her fingertip. "God, we must look like some kind of cult."

Nagato created a razor of light using her own abilities and did the same to her own hand. "For the sake of brevity, I will only indicate that Miss Naganohara has had difficulties presented in her training; difficulties that will not be easily surmounted."

Yukko approached her. "Shouldn't we go after her? I mean…"

"No. Her training was always going to be the most difficult out of any of you, and there is no guarantee that it will even be possible. The most appropriate course of action, at this time, is to allow her the luxury of her emotions and outbursts. This is not something we can force upon her. We need to be patient, and wait for her to return to us when her spirit is more at ease."

"I guess I understand, but is it safe for her to be on her own?"

"The Shadow Queen only has awareness of any Heroes she has personally interacted with, or else the shades by proxy. At any rate, seeing you will likely serve only as a reminder of what she is unable to do, which will not expedite Miss Naganohara's recovery."

Haruhi frowned. "What exactly is the nature of her ability? I thought you said all three have the same powers."

Mai walked past them, saying quietly, "Fabrication."

Haruhi sighed. "I… understand that, but…"

Yuki glanced briefly at Mai. "The four humans that comprise the Hero of Fabrication have combat data aligned to the manipulation of reality. But there are distinct nuances amongst them. Miss Minakami has empathic tools that she manipulates to perform great feats. Miss Aioi is capable of stretching and warping the natural laws of physics within a confined space."

"And Mio Naganohara?"

"Her ability is very difficult to explain in normal speech, much like mine is. I think, if she eventually begins to understand her power, then a demonstration will serve far more to explain it than any explanation I could give."

"Right."

Yuki looked past Haruhi at the two girls approaching them with timid, drained faces.

"Am I to understand that these two girls are the Hero of Creativity?"

"Yeah."

Yuki nodded curtly. "Very well then. Come with me."

* * *

><p>"Both Miss Takino and Miss Kasuga appear to be psychologically disturbed. What events transpired?" Yuki sipped from a teacup.<p>

Yukko and Mai had gone off to train with each other, and Osaka and Tomo were sitting quietly next to Haruhi and Tamaki.

"We encountered another Shade. Two, actually."

Yuki focused her eyes on Haruhi.

"The first shade was of Chiyo Mihama, the childhood friend of these two. We don't know when she was killed by the Shadow Queen, but it must have been long before we arrived, because neither Tomo nor Osaka noticed anything strange with her until we did."

"I understand."

"Did you mention the underwear?"

"Did I…" Haruhi glared at Tamaki, who had a serious look on his face.

Yuki turned her gaze onto him.

"Apparently… There's an epidemic of Japanese citizens forgetting how to keep track of their undergarments. Why there is suddenly an insistence that it is due to "Underpants Gnomes" is beyond me." Haruhi said dispassionately.

"I have no data to contribute to this discussion."

"Right. Anyways, like I said, Chiyo wasn't the only Shade we encountered. We encountered…" She looked at Tamaki. "Kyon. It was the Shade of Kyon."

What Haruhi had figured out by this point was that Yuki had an impenetrable poker face. She wasn't sure if it was due to the programming inherent to her, or if she were talented at hiding her emotions, but the only evidence that Yuki was moved at all by this information was the scattershot and disorienting manner in which she responded to this information, even while maintaining the same tone of voice: "That information was certainly a possibility one that we could not have anticipated but which we must now handle in an expeditious manner such that we remain prepared for the combat that he will likely initiate."

"What?"

"I apologize. This particular piece of data was not anticipated." Uncharacteristic of her, she paused before adding, "is there anything else you learned from the entity known as Kyon?"

"He mentioned that Haruhi Suzumiya was also a Shade. So this is a big deal. Not only because it means that she not only has access to her God-like powers, but also whatever powers are granted for being the Hero of Purpose."

"Her native ability to create data will likely not pose a significant threat."

"Huh? Why not?"

Yuki appeared more rational now, as she began to explain: "Surely you understand that the world we live in is juxtaposed with entities from realities very different from yours, or mine, or anyone else. But as I explained before, we are not localized to any one specific reality. Indeed, the reality we coexist in could be said to be an amalgamation of all such realities that have been chosen to coexist together. There are a few consequences of this union that may not be immediately apparent."

"Such as?"

"Relativistic power. As I have maintained, Haruhi Suzumiya's powers are incredible, but only semantically could they be referred to as "God-like". As such, there is always a quantifiable means of analyzing her powers, and indeed, any other entity operating with similar capabilities. Even if I personally, having come from the same reality as her and thus operating within the same physics as her, am unable to quantify her power, it doesn't follow that her power is "unquantifiable". Indeed, it is very likely that her power is strictly finite, and so long as this reality is fundamentally different from the reality we originate from, then her power may very possibly have limits that even she cannot surmount."

"I… Guess?"

"Perhaps there is a different way to explain." She turned to Tamaki. "Mr. Suoh. With the breadth of knowledge you've amassed, could you provide me with an example of a being that, in the context of their own reality, is considered to be exceptionally powerful?"

"Sure, uh…" He paused for a moment. "The Saiyans from the Dragonball series. Many of them are many times more powerful than necessary to destroy an entire planet. And there's at least a few times where they actually do that."

"That will serve just fine. So these entities are capable of destroying entire planets in the reality where they come from. But why would we assume that they were capable of doing the same in this Reality? Considering that this Postmodern space consists of many beings from many different realities, it would stand to reason that at least a few of those beings were on the same level as those Saiyan warriors. But the world, while very threatened by the presence of the Shadow Queen, remains intact. Thus, we see the purest form of the Anthropic Principle: The fact that we remain alive to observe this world indicates that it must be capable of surviving such entities. At least, that is to say, for a limited duration."

"There must have been an easier way to say that," Haruhi scoffed.

"Perhaps."

Tamaki leaned back. "That sounds like something your Itsuki Koizumi would have said."

"Be that as it may, it was not uncommon for him and his people to misuse those concepts."

Haruhi sighed. "Well, that's all fine and good, but we need to keep moving. You said we had the Hero of Courage to retrieve."

"There is also another Hero I have identified that we will need. The Hero of Logic, consisting of a young man and woman living in an undetermined location in France. But you are correct. So let us discuss the plan."

"I'm all ears."

"The Hero of Creativity will remain with me. We will remain at this facility for one more day, but after tomorrow, we will be transferring to a discrete location far more secure than this. I will provide you with those instructions before you leave tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?"

"However ready you may feel you are, it is vital that you remain here for the evening. Much time has passed, and retrieving the Hero of Courage will likely be a dangerous task. It is not only Shades that you will have to face, retrieving him."

"I see."

"Miss Naganohara knows of the transfer plans, so if she intends to return to us, then she will be able to find us. You will take Miss Aioi and Miss Minakami; their combat data has room for growth, but not evolution, and as such, they will benefit the most from remaining on the field with you and Mr. Suoh."

"So we just find the Hero of Courage and bring him to the new location?"

Yuki blinked. "That is the correct procedure."

"So who is he? What does he look like?"

"He will not be difficult to identify. He answers to the name of 'Shinji Ikari.'"

* * *

><p><em><strong>So… Is it just me, or does it feel like a lot of time has passed since the last chapter?<strong>_

**OH, FANTASTIC. META JOKES. NEVER HEARD THOSE BEFORE.**

_**I… You don't have to be mean.**_


	10. The Plottening

I sat in my study. Pondering the mysteries of life, hoping to one day uncover vast truths about the world we live in. It's difficult to describe this line of work. Only the truly devoted ever understand it. It is a thankless task. One which I may never succeed at. But still I work. I apologize if this sounds depressing, but it is only because events continuously conspire to drag down the process. One day, I shall tell you about them. Until then, I have only one suggestion for you.

Beware the jowls of the four-headed leopard. I mean, one head is bad enough, but four heads?! That's almost 300% more biting action! I mean, that's just nuts!

-Xirema the Existentially Insecure

"I think we all understand what must happen," Haruhi siad quietly, speaking to Tamaki, Mai, and Yukko.

The three of them nodded simultaneously.

"It's taken us too long. The question of our purpose here, as heroes, may very well be called into question. As such, there can only be one suitable outcome."

The three nodded again. Then, Tamaki stood up.

"My dear, you are absolutely right. Then it is time. We shall find out, once and for all, why our underwear keep going missing!"

The four of them were gathered around a table in the lobby of a run-down hotel, near to the predicted location of the displaced Tokyo-III. As Tamaki made his proclamation, several patrons turned to look at them, while Haruhi's mouth hung open in disbelief.

"I... NO, THAT IS NOT WHAT WE'RE HERE TO DO!"

"Hey, now, wait a second!"

One of the other guests had approached them, a young man in a lab coat looking concerned.

"Are you saying you know something? I've lost my last pair of underwear this morning!"

Haruhi slapped her head to her forehead. "I'm surrounded by idiots. I've ALWAYS been surrounded by idiots!"

Tamaki raised his fist. "It's not just us anymore!" He pointed dramatically at the other two girls. "Girls! Haven't you too been the victim of the Underpants Gnomes?!"

Yukko grinned and shook her head. "Of course not! I still have my underwear!"

Tamaki raised his hand to above his brow. "... Are you certain of that?"

Yukko placed her hand against her chest. "Of course I'm...!" Her expression changed immediately, as she began to feel around her torso, her face glowing a luminescent pink. "I... I mean... I... What?!"

Mai casually lifted the front of of her collar to peer down into her shirt before raising an eyebrow in suspicion and replacing the fabric.

The man looked even more panicked. "Hey, I want to know what's going on!"

Tamaki smiled at the man. "Fear not, good sir! We, the Heroes of Destiny, shall find the cause of this wretched curse, and end it without fail! You have my word!"

Haruhi stood up. "Okay, this is getting rediculous! There's no grand conspiracy to steal underwear, there's no Underpants Gnomes, you guys are just irresponsible!"

Mai turned to Haruhi. "What's rediculous about this?"

**I DON'T THINK YOU WANT THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION.**

This was the moment Tamaki did it. His face turned pouty, and his eyes widened immensely. He turned to face Haruhi with his patented 'Puppy Dog Stare'. "How... How could you... My own wife won't believe me!"

Haruhi felt a shiver of horror run down her back. It was the stare. The stare she couldn't resist. In the past, her strategy had been to evade it with alacrity, but no such strategy would be possible here.

Tamaki approached her, his eyes glimmering with emotion, as Haruhi tried to grin, despite her heart breaking thousands of times inside. "Haruhi... You won't... Believe me?"

Haruhi's eyes watered up. Unable to take any other action, she hid his face by burying it in her shoulder. "Okay, look... Even if I believe that there is such a thing as Underpants Gnomes, what reason do I have to believe that we could even find them? And more importantly, how does finding them help us gather the Heroes and stop the Shadow Queen?"

Tamaki, snapping right back to his previous mood, stood up suddenly, dragging Haruhi along with him. "Aww, don't worry about that! I guarantee that we'll find the answer soon enough!"

Haruhi, suddenly having found herself slung around her husband's arm, tried to focus. "The way I see it, we should probably establish a link between your supposed thieves and our quest before we decisively turn our attention to them."

Yukko raised her hand. "Idea!"

Both Haruhi and Tamaki turned to face her. "Yeah?" they said simultaneously.

"Maybe we can investigate with the other Heroes!"

Haruhi stared at her. "Why would you-"

"BRILLIANT!"

She stared up at the beaming face of Tamaki. "What."

"In that case, we should immediately make for Tokyo-III! If we find Shinji Ikari, we can ask him whether he knows about the missing underwear!" He turned to the man who had approached them. "You need not worry, good sir! We've come even closer to finding the answer! And in shot time, we shall return to you with the truth, Mister... Uhh..."

The man grinned and placed his hand on the back of his shoulder. "Okabe. Rintaro Okabe. And you need not worry! Just knowing that someone is searching for the answer puts me at ease. You sir, good noble sir... I thank you!"

Tamaki tensed up. His eyes widened. "That's... Haruhi!"

Haruhi looked at Tamaki. "What?"

"Shade check!"

Her eyes widened. She recalled what Yuki had done and before he could react, she created a small sliver of light that slashed through Rintaro's fingertip.

Rintaro backed up, clutching his finger. "Hey, what did you...?"

"Are you bleeding?"

He stared at Haruhi before revealling the small amount of blood dripping from his finger. "Yeah, I..."

"Yukko. Bandage him. Sorry about that. We have to take precautions."

He appeared angry at first, but his expression changed when he saw the serious expression on their faces. He held out his hand for Yukko to bandage.

Haruhi slung her arm over Tamaki's shoulder. "Hey, who is he? Why did you have me do a check?"

Tamaki smirked. "Rintaro Okabe. the main character of a well regarded anime that came out some time ago. But he was acting suspicious."

Rintaro's eyes widened. "Suspicious?"

"I always thought you introduced yourself as the great Kyouma Hououin!"

He grinned. "Oh, yeah... Well... Ordinarily I would, but..."

Tamaki raised his eyebrow.

"She... Hits me when I use that name."

Tamaki nodded in understanding. "Ah, yes, I understand."

"Ah, speaking of which... I really need to get back."

Tamaki gave him a salute. "Godspeed."

Rintaro saluted him in return. "I'm counting on you. We're all counting on you!" And with that, he ran out of the lobby.

Haruhi stared listlessly forward. "This world is screwed."


End file.
